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flickeringart · 3 years ago

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Saturn and narcissism

Many people have a faulty perception as to what narcissism really is. It is usually described in terms of overt behavior of self-aggrandizement, vanity and excessive self-love. This would be the over-simplified and non-helpful way to describe it, because it doesn’t pinpoint the reason for, or encompass the complexity of this character trait or “personality disorder”. When it comes to narcissism, the overt self-inflation is not really what it seems because it doesn’t spring from a true sense of grandeur. It stems from a deep sense of lack and insecurity, which the person has over-compensated for. There’s a difference between a person who is genuinely self-loving and someone who needs to focus excessively on the self and one’s success in order to not feel inferior.

Saturn (and Capricorn for that matter) in the natal chart seems to me to be in line with what one could label “narcissism” because he is generally associated with struggle and deprivation. Saturn is indicative of a psychic lack, which can manifest itself in different ways depending on the sign placement, house placement and aspects made to other planets. Usually, there’s deep inadequacy that is felt, some void that is not filled and coped with through clever defenses. I’d like to think that most people have narcissistic traits; I have certainly not met a single person that hasn’t displayed some kind of cold and walled-off behavior. Of course, this doesn’t mean that everyone can be said to have the personality disorder, but, everyone has Saturn somewhere in their chart and his placement indicates where we have built the most rigid defenses, where we are painfully serious and where we are the most vulnerable. It is also the place where we feel the most undeveloped and infantile, and it’s often hidden behind a façade of competence or proclaimed superiority (or inferiority designed to instill guilt in other people for being better or more “accomplished”).

Narcissistic individuals can be very controlling, manipulative, false and uncaring. They can lead double lives and twist the truth to their liking. This is understandable since they are buffering themselves from a (seemingly) permanent inner wound and can’t live their lives from a place of authenticity – the pain of the void in annihilating and needs to be covered over. Feelings of guilt and shame are usually carefully contained within, but sometimes these surface in response to something small, and there’s an over-reaction that is obviously stemming from something more serious than the “superficial” trigger. Typically, people who are involved with this person feels like they have to walk on eggshells around them and might become hyper alert as to not say something that would provoke the narcissistic injury. The rage storms, critique, pessimism, skepticism and double messages are commonly displayed within personal relationships, rather than publicly, but there certainly are cold, competitive and authoritarian people in the work place and on the public arena as well. The negative traits are typically mixed with charming and likable qualities that cause confusion and cognitive dissonance in others.

In extreme cases of narcissism, to the point where it could appropriately be labeled a disorder, the person might be unable to be in touch with any sense of guilt or remorse for inflicting other people pain. This coldness is more often than not an adaptation to a very unforgiving and controlling early environment that caused the individual to put up high walls between the self and other people. When emotions are continuously taken advantage of and there’s no room for developing something real, the person must emotionally disconnect from life because the world is ruthless and non-conducive to well-being. The price for walling oneself off is internal isolation, emotional starvation and deep depression – but it’s sometimes better to be “voluntarily” starving than to be starved by the world. Although lack is usually seen as a bad thing, it comes with its own hidden treasure. It invites the opportunity to build something that is resilient and reliable that will stand the test of time, something that isn’t reliant on circumstances to exist. If anything, Saturn lends itself to being self-motivated because everyone in the external is a threat and would take pleasure (even if it’s not admitted to) in seeing another fail. Humans are quick to take delight, however slight, in another person’s relative disadvantage and weakness. People feed off of the pain of others, to varying degrees of severity.

In my own experience, I’ve found that people can be very nice and encouraging and openly supportive, only to make you feel at ease, and then they use that openness to that they’ve created in order to disempower you through instilling doubt and shame when it suits them. This is exactly how Saturn works. His function is to disarm the “opponent” (everyone is a potential threat) in order to protect the personal ego from facing annihilation. His attempt is essentially to strip away everything that isn’t real and pure within through playing the devil’s advocate. People play this ruthless game of the “devil” with each other all the time – especially when they feel vulnerable and need to drag someone down in the pit of self-doubt with them. People point out each other’s shortcomings, their deficiencies, their falsity and their hypocrisy. No one is as keen to point out the wrong doings of others than the Saturnian because he is striving for realness and substance. Everything that is built on shaky ground will be destroyed in his presence. The same can be said about the narcissistic individual – he will accuse others of being or doing the very things he is afraid are his own sins, primarily to deflect the shame, but also to test the other person’s realness or integrity. That which shatters under pressure is not very reliable and the Saturnian is looking for quality and substance. The sad thing is that just about anything can be dismantled and broken in this world – except that which can’t. What that is exactly is for people to find out for themselves.

It is often said that people with narcissism live in a false reality where everything is taken personally and the slightest hint at criticism and disapproval will tip them over into frenzy. The reaction isn’t false nor is it purely due to living in a false reality; it is a fact that people in general aren’t full-fledged saints. I have yet to meet a person that is so completely void of an ego that they don’t have any sore spots and won’t bite back if they feel that they’ve been attacked. I also haven’t met any person who has 100% altruistic motives. People nudge and coax each other all the time, which can be seen as quite innocent, but it still stems from a desire to get one’s own way. In a sense, one could claim that people only seem to care about another if there has been some kind of identification and projection of inner subconscious qualities on the other – and even that is not true caring because one really does it for the self, even if it doesn’t seem like it because it’s unconscious. A narcissistic individual with apparent difficulty to include other’s well-being as their own is perhaps more capable to do something purely altruistic because it would not give them any pleasure to be “selfless”. In other words, there is no secondary gain in genuinely acting in someone else’s best interest for these types – not even emotional satisfaction. Empathy that comes naturally is beautiful, but when it doesn’t and has to be acquired against all odds, there’s opportunity for great growth. This opportunity is character building and humbling – it really is the opportunity of building something of substance from the ground up.

Lack is not ultimately a bad thing if its treasures are valued instead of dismissed and ignored as meaningless. Being “without” is an opportunity if one can stretch one’s perception beyond the discomfort of the present. The psychic void of shame that is felt can only be filled from the inside. By cutting out the middle man (that is, “external supply”) the person becomes truly self-sufficient and non-complacent in dealing with life. Saturn is not a bad planet per se, even though it is traditionally labeled “malefic”. It simply requires more consciousness on the part of the individual and more deliberate effort. Narcissism can be a byproduct of the Saturnian dynamic, but its ugliness can be a blessing in disguise.

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Note: I’m not ”blaming astrology” for causing a mental disorder in this post, I’m simply exploring the Saturnian archetype and how it correlates with certain behaviors. I don’t believe any planet ”causes” specific behavior but I think that it can point to an underlying archetypal pattern at the core of certain behavioral dynamics. As stated, Saturn is representative of lack, defences and restriction in astrology - which are all necessary psychological functions. Like any function, they can be effective and healthy, but there’s always a downside to any function. I’m exploring the downside in this post.

#saturn #narcissism #saturn and narcissism #capricorn #lack #deprivation #inner void #astrology #saturn in astrology #planets in astrology #isolation #loneliness #hidden treasure #narcissistic injury #malefic planets

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corpsegirlmeat · 3 years ago

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roxanne wolf fnaf is a vriska -trans girl -false sense of ego to cover up insecurities -belittles others to feed said false ego -lesbian -loses her eyes

#fnaf #roxanne wolf #homestuck #vriska #can i even tag this as My Post anymore?? honestly have no idea what tags have been blasted into oblivion

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mbti-notes · 4 years ago

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Hello! INFJ here. I notice that "enjoy more intellectually stimulating solitary pursuits" is listed under Level 6 ego development for ESFJ. However, why is that not mentioned for INFJ in relation to Ti development? Is love of intellectually stimulating solitary pursuits already covered in dominant Ni? As an INFJ, I personally find intellectual exploration at a conceptual level to be almost effortless - asking conceptual questions, getting a "big picture" view of a field, developing my long term

[con’t: vision, viewing a problem from multiple perspectives, creating a high level outline of a paper I'm reading, etc. But getting into details on my own can be quite difficult - I often lose my focus and my mind wanders. I can do it more easily in 1:1 technical conversations though (where I need to hold up my end of the conversation), or if I set some social deadline, e.g. signing up to give a talk. Is it tertiary Ti development that will solve this, or is this an Fe issue? I recently realized just a couple days ago that I was repressing shame about some emotional trauma in my adolescence, which prevented me from seeing myself as a good person, and it feels like my Fe has massively increased in the last couple days alone. I've been releasing the repressed emotions via many hours of crying. I also had a rapid series of insights into a few people I really care about (issues that they're dealing with and how to help), and feel like I finally understand why there are so many songs about love. I finally decided to actively pursue someone who I think will be my life partner - I think immature Ti was holding me back somehow (wanting to be independent). But I'm not sure if further Fe development will solve this issue of difficulty with detail oriented work or if it's a Ti or Se thing. Or maybe I just need to consciously apply Ni more, e.g. always reminding myself of why I'm delving into details, and making sure to have a conceptual scaffold first before any details work?]

You’re mixing several different issues into one long message, which makes it difficult to respond. Please make your messages focused, as per the blog guidelines. What is considered “intellectually stimulating” to ESFJs is very different from INFJs, not to mention different from person to person within a type, so why are you using ESFJ development as comparison? What purpose does this serve? Every type has their own set of issues to address.

Trouble with details comes from having a low S function, which is to say that it is a common problem for Ns in general. Each N type has a different path to learning how to handle details better, depending on which exact function pair they’re dealing with and positioning in the stack. The ability to handle details for INFJs involves Ti and Se, both lower functions that are difficult and tiring to use for long periods of time. It’s far easier to develop the tertiary than the inferior function, therefore, Ti is going to be the heavy lifter.

Ti development encourages one to be more careful, specifically, systematic, in one’s thought process. INFJs often draw irrelevant or illogical connections between ideas and then cannot separate out ideas from each other to focus on addressing each one properly -> very messy thought process (which is already apparent in your message). Immature INFJs like to indulge the fun of drawing Ni connections (often as a means to boost the ego), but they can’t/don’t want to do the very hard Ti work of slowly sorting through information systematically to arrive at precise and accurate judgments. Being a lower function, INFJs often misuse Ti to rationalize their beliefs, as opposed to dispel falsehoods. Lack of Ti development means having no reliable method for dissecting problems and no skills for resolving them. In essence, it amounts to poor critical thinking ability, unable to parse and evaluate information systematically. If you need to improve your critical thinking skills, I have already provided book recommendations on the resources list.

Se development encourages one to be more observant of objective facts and details, specifically, to ensure that one’s beliefs about the world are grounded in the reality of the world. Being Ni dominant, INFJs usually “trust their gut”, which is another way of saying that they have a tendency to believe without factual verification. While your gut may be reliable in pointing you, very generally, in the right direction, it is not foolproof, nor is it able to explain the details of how or why. This means that relying on your gut too much can get you into trouble when your beliefs drift into fantasy and you don’t even realize it. Immature INFJs cannot tell the difference between speculation and fact. When an idea pops into their mind, they run with it. And when they run with it long enough, they believe in it, as they misuse Se to selectively gather “facts” to support the belief. Misusing Ti AND Se basically gives free rein to Ni delusion.

Mentally manipulating ideas in the manner that you describe involves using Ni and Ti closely together, which always runs the risk of descending into some kind of bias or self-deception, especially when Se is ignored in the process. You need extraverted functions to ensure that this doesn’t happen. Using Fe to access multiple perspectives and opinions is the right way to expand your perspective. However, Ni gathering even more data through Fe sources isn’t going to do you much good, in fact, it may only end up overwhelming or confusing you, if you have no way to systematize and evaluate that data. That is why developing Ti is eventually necessary for refining your ideas and correcting false beliefs.

It’s not a shame to need outside vetting for your ideas. Humans are communicative and collaborative creatures. Two heads are better than one. But it is a shame if you are extremely dependent on outside vetting because you are resistant to or afraid of developing your independent thinking capabilities. Why would someone be unconsciously resistant to or afraid of developing their independent thinking capabilities? Because they don’t want to take full responsibility when confronting the consequences of their beliefs. To put another way, if you mostly get your ideas and opinions from other sources, you can always blame the “bad source” for being wrong and plead innocence. Whereas, if your ideas come only from you and you get called out for being wrong, then you have no choice but to deal with the shame of being “stupid” - an insecurity that Fs often grapple with.

If you are developing Ti properly, over time, you will need a less and less intensive outside vetting process, because you become more capable of doing it for yourself. However, Ti is a lower function, so you are never going to be able to use it like a dominant function. Trying to develop a tertiary function is necessary only to a certain extent, to the extent that you’re able to use it for helping the higher functions work optimally. You shouldn’t fall into the trap of feeling bad when you hit a wall in its development. You shouldn’t start trying to copy Ti doms and using their type’s standards to make inappropriate evaluations of yourself - this is a great way to fall into shame and unhealthy perfectionism. You’re not Ti dom, never will be one, never should be one. You are always going to benefit more by sharing and exchanging ideas with people. You have to accept the reality of what you are and work with it, rather than lose yourself in chasing unrealistic ideals.

Remember that positive growth cannot come from negative self-loathing. Without self-love and self-acceptance, self-improvement easily morphs into self-harm. Every function in your stack has its proper role to play, so respect the parameters of those roles and development should go more smoothly.

#infj #auxiliary fe #tertiary ti #ti loop #inferior se #details #detail anxiety #attention to detail #development #shame #study #ask

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wlwdarlingcharming · 3 years ago

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Hii do you have any bios for your eah oc's?? I'm so interested to know more about them!!!

yes my dear <33 these are very messy and i tried to keep some outline but oh boy did it go downhill after godiva.

elias wykkyd, son of the wicked witch of the west and the good witch of the south: he/him/they/them. bisexual. wants to protect the family secret (their mothers were not supposed to get together and if grimm found out, he would lose his shit) but his sister’s outbursts make it very hard. he’s very stressed all the time and would benefit greatly from a nap. they like to hangout with raven queen and thinks she’s pretty chill. he loves the other oz kids, but sometimes they are too much for them. he really, really doesn’t want to fight his sister or try to kill rowan. they don’t know that his destiny is to be the next good witch of the south. rebel.

godiva southgood, child of the wicked witch of the west and the good witch of the south: she/her/fae/faer. lesbian. very crazy. loyal to faer brother, but to no one else. has a “it’s me or them” mentality. believes she’s the hero and everyone against her is a villain. has too much power and probably (definitely) doesn’t use it for good. wishes her brother would understand what fae’s going through instead of blaming fae for everything. has a crush on farrah goodfairy. fae doesn’t know that her destiny is to be the next wicked witch of the west. royal.

rowan gale, son of dorothy: he/him. ace & gay. he’s passionate about photography and is on the bookball team. he never knew his mom, because he was taken away from her as a baby (👀). besides the ozians, he’s very close with alistair wonderland and would go far as to say that’s his best friend because he understands how hard it is to be a leading man. rowan is very scared for his destiny, because he doesn’t want to fight elias (godiva) and almost die. rowan is very sure of himself and has a god complex mixed with deep insecurity. people look up to him which defintely fuels his ego, but it makes him feel more insecure himself because “what if i just disappoint everyone more?”. he also feels like a disappointment to his mom but aggressively covers that up with false confidence. he gets bored easily and looks uninterested a lot. he doesn’t mean to, but school just can’t capture his attention. his destiny is to be the next dorothy gale. roybel.

valora de lioncourt, child of the cowardly lion: she/her/they/them. bi disaster. local furry. GORGEOUS. hangs out with cerise, ramona and rosabella. will do anything that anyone asks of them. gets into many hijinks with the other oz kids. plays for the lacrowns team and is surprisingly good. everyone always assumes she’s really shy and scared all the time (which in their opinion gets really annoying), but she’s very confident in herself. their destiny is to be the next cowardly lion. royal.

tinnafy manns, daughter of the tin man: she/her. panromantic asexual. total party girl. doesn’t sleep, ever. gets called a robot a lot and it hurts her feelings. hangs out with briar, melody and siobhan. close with her dad, but he doesn’t approve of her party lifestyle. rebel.

felix crowfield, son of the scarecrow: he/him. pansexual. coolest guy ever. literally so chill. how does he do it? it’s because he has dealt with godiva and elias’s screaming matches for years and has learned to tune them out. he loves creating costumes, as well as acting, and is apart of the ever after high players. doesn’t want to be the next scarecrow and would much rather make costumes thank you very much. his destiny is to be the next scarecrow. rebel.

lilith whiteford, daughter of the white queen and the white knight: she/her. ace lesbian. badass knight princess. has a cold exterior, but once you get through that, she is one of the most kind and caring people. loves her brother and her parents. loyal to a fault. wanted to be the next white knight of wonderland, but later decides she wants to date the future white knight of wonderland (one darling charming). was taught by her parents to never speak unless spoken to, so that’s how she talks to others. people think she’s just a scary knight princess, but she’s really not. secretly a huge nerd. older twin. royal.

lysander whiteford, son of the white queen and the white knight: he/him (ftm). gay. sad boy. sad, rich boy vibes. makes everyone think he believes he’s above them, but he is so insecure about everything. he wants to be the next white queen (king) more than anything. doesn’t like his mother or his father, but loves his twin lilly. he pretends to be a pompous jerk to everyone, and it pains him to act that way, but it’s the only way he knows how to talk to others. younger twin. royal.

coraline sirenowitch, child of the sea witch: she/her/they/them. lesbian. egirl energy. looks mean, is actually very nice. very, very powerful. besties with faybelle, actively tries to avoid meeshell. hates forks with a burning passion. (coraline: they’re like tRiDeNtS, fAyBelLe) likes to make their own jewelry. vegan. their destiny is to be the next sea witch. rebel.

eira nordskov, daughter of the snow fairy: she/her (mtf). bisexual. oh BOY she is my BABY. her story has developed wildly over the past year. she’s very shy, has limited snow powers and loves ballet and ice skating. friends with justine and duchess. she loves sugar plums (much to siobhan’s dislike). gets very angry really quickly, which causes some mild changes in weather. hate hate HATES her roommate, crystal winter and they have the biggest rivalry. has the biggest crush on nathaniel nutcracker (who i have also adopted from the books). her destiny is to be the next clara. royal?

siobhan plumfairy, daughter of the sugar plum fairy: she/her/they/them/he/him/xe/xem. the coolest out of the nutcracker kids. hangs out with briar, melody and tinnafy a lot. basically only talks to nath, cordelia and eira because they’re all childhood friends. IS the life of the party. wants to be anything other than the sugar plum fairy. has a good control on xer magic, but uses it to make decorations, clothes and lights for briar & mel’s parties. very insecure about their wings and doesn’t like to talk about her parents. uses his “cool girl” connections to get himself things. rebel.

cordelia mouse-king, daughter of the mouse king: she/her. very smart when it comes to sciences. likes to make potions and other concoctions in chemythstry and prides herself on getting good grades. likes to talk to cupid, because cupid’s old school is near where her cousin mouscedes lives. also friends with ashlynn and dexter. very short and small, but can be very scary. has a bad relationship with her dad, and usually spends break with her cousin or siobhan. super awkward around nathaniel and doesn’t like when they all hangout. rebel.

nathaniel nutcracker, son of the nutcracker: he/him. disaster bi. LOVES DANCING. absolutely loves ballet and literally any type of dance. good friends with justine. mostly hangs out with the other nutcracker kids. very uppity and preppy. scared of cordelia’s dad and refuses to hangout with cordelia outside of school, which makes group hangouts really awkward. royal.

jocelyn “jj” hook, daughter of captain hook and the big bad wolf: she/her. pirate lesbian. mostly hangs out with ramona, cerise and winnie. (as well as the hypothetical ever after high fight club) thinks of little red as her mom. refuses to talk to jamie (her mom). has a pirate ship. rebel.

winona “winnie” darling, daughter of wendy darling: she/her. bisexual. badass pirate queen. in love with jj and would fight anyone for her. hypothetical head of ever after high fight club. short queen. very shy, but once you get to know her you won’t be able to get her to shut up. rebel.

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readingsbylibramc · 3 years ago

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birth chart reading for @m4gn3tic

hello! welcome to your reading. I’m gonna give you a quick overview of what I’m going to analyze about your natal chart. feel free to ask me anything if something isn’t clear, of course. you’ll find out your dominants’ influence on your persona, your physical appearance, impression on others and the way you approach the world; your ego, identity, the real you; your reactions, your desires, inner emotions; your way of expressing your feelings, your mind and ideas; your desires and approach to love; your energy tank, instincts and temperament; in-depth analysis of each house with their rulers and analysis of heavy aspects; love life + soulmates/karmic partners interpretation; your relationship with your friends; your family life; your approach to career and work in general + possible jobs suggestion; your style, fashion sense analysis; life purpose and past life description; basic transits’ analysis to describe your current mood and, last but not least, your secret skills, how to make the most out of your soul and manifest what you desire based on your birth chart.

🦋 chart shape, dominants

your chart is a seesaw shape. your life focuses on different ideals and interests, often constrasting between each other. from one side, this gives you the ability to be adaptable and find solutions easily. on the other hand, you may struggle with balance; for example, you might find yourself dedicating your life to your relationships, neglecting your ego or viceversa. you need to learn how to harmonize these energies.

your dominant planets are venus, the moon and the sun. you are definitely a very creative individual, you have an eye for aesthetics and you're probably very artsy as well. you are confident and you have a very charismatic personality, people usually look up to you, even though you could sometimes be quite stubborn and sensitive to criticism.

your dominant sign is taurus. you're a chill person, you prefer staying at home instead of going out and partying. you are quite stubborn, but that's because you're passionate about your ideas and beliefs. you prefer trying and take action, even if you risk to hurt yourself, instead of just standing still and observing. you find comfort helping others; it's a way to feel satisfied both with others and yourself, as you like proving your skills and talents.

your dominant element is fire. you have a warm heart, even though it may be covered by your confidence and independence. in fact, you always strive for the first place. people may be intimidated by your presence, as you're a serious competitor. thanks to this competitive nature of yours you may be very positive and optimistic, making you a good and supportive friend/partner.

🌎 ascendant in sagittarius, 22° / 3rd decan ruled by jupiter and the sun

you see the world as an adventure. I feel like you typically don’t relate to sagittarius ascendant stereotypes; sag risings are usually very happy-go-lucky, they smile often, but pluto being conjunct to it may change things a bit. you’re more of a loner, you’re not as extroverted as other sagittariuses. you may relate more to scorpio rising, actually. ironically, you often look sad or angry. you have a knack for philosophy, and your favourite is most probably ‘you only live once’. you tame dying before making the amount of experiences you want to have in your life, hence you could even be impulsive sometimes. you’re the type to always be up to crack a joke or anything that can make you and others smile, yet when someone gets against you, it’s over for them. you have quite of a sharp tongue, you’re pretty blunt and straight-forward. in fact, you may often get in troubles due to your impulsiveness, which may be misunderstood. you have an incredible charm to you; it’s not like taurus’ or libra’s, those are more related to physical traits. sagittarius people, on the other hand, are surely very talented at something; maybe, at school you were one of the best students, and everyone recognized it and appreciated you for that; people understand your potential, and you may often receive compliments for your skills. basically, your personality is charismatic. due to pluto being conjunct the ascendant, I feel like you may even struggle too much with pessimism during your first years, but in case you are, you shouldn’t be. jupiter is also your dominant planet, and it’s willing to give you the best of luck if you respect its themes. hence, you need to have faith in the universe and be optimistic. try to look more at the positive sides in life and even in people. physically, sagittarius is all about abundance, hence you may have trouble losing weight. you could have big bones, or at least something bigger on your body that doesn’t make you look like a model. you’re more on the thick side, in fact you probably have a wide bone structure, with wider hips and/or thick thighs. you could also have wide shoulders, and something big and memorable on your face as well. maybe you have a very distinctive nose, or perhaps your eyes are almond-shaped. your forehead and lips could be pretty wide as well. I’ve also noticed that sagittarius people have a very lively sparkle in their eyes, even though they may be very dark. it’s like having two/three tiny diamonds at the centre of each of your eyes. last but not least, you may have freckles and very curly, or at least thick, hair. you may also have very dark hair / features in general, and perhaps you have long limbs too.

gemini venus opposite sagittarius ascendant: this aspect makes you more sociable and prone to interact with people. you’re also most probably very attractive, people are naturally drawn to you. the downside of this placement is that you may suffer from self-esteem issues, as you really care about others’ impression of you. maybe you’re a little bit clumsy too. it’s easy for you to gain popularity, but be careful as it’s not always good. popularity brings scandals too, so people you see in your everyday life could possibly start gossips around you. the good thing about this aspect is that you emanate loyalty, so you usually choose loyal and trust-worthy partners. this placement may also bring issues and problems in marriage with your future partner, even though I don’t think it’s your case. your venus is well-placed, so I don’t think there’ll be serious problems.

sagittarius ascendant square virgo jupiter: you probably learn a lot from people around you. you're most likely surrounded by wise, spiritual and possibly foreign individuals in your life. they help you to grow up, both spiritually and mentally. this placement also softens your introverted plutonian image, making you look more outgoing and approachable. you're also very open-minded, and you rarely have prejudices. the downside to this placement is that you may be depend too much on your friends or lovers, especially when it comes to your beliefs. you're easy to influence, and you may change your mind often if others disagree with you. you could possibly have high expectations from others, creating a false idea of those who surround you. at least, you're aware of your abilities and you have the potential to make the most out of them, but you're modest about it. you don't come off as bossy, as other jupiter - asc aspects would.

sagittarius ascendant conjunct sagittarius pluto: pluto, combined with your sagittarius rising makes you look a little bit naive. people may try to take advantage of you, and to defend yourself you tend to become bossy. you’re really competitive, and feel the constant need to prove others’ wrong, even though it’s not the best way to do it. in your life, you could encounter lots of enemies that may try to stop you from transforming yourself. or maybe, your grandfather is an authoritative figure in your life and in your family’s in general, and his influence has a big impact on your life. also, something I’ve noticed about pluto conjunct ascendant individuals is that they may feel unhappy when they’re young. as time goes by, they transform and become as they want, which makes them feel more satisfied with themselves.

🌞 sun in leo, 14° / 2nd decan ruled by the sun and jupiter

just like the sun, you shine brightly. you're confident, independent, brave and friendly. you're the only who can handle your life, no one can tell you who you are, what you want or what you need. sometimes you can get insecure, as you feel pressured to always be perfect. you try to be nice and kind to everyone, as you don't wanna be seen as someone unpleasant to be with. even though you may be into gossip and rumors, you try to avoid being involved with them at every cost. the thing with leo is, you're either loved or hated. no inbetween. some may admire your confidence, assertiveness and determination, others may be jealous of you. you have celebrity-like presence, you don't go overlooked. you're most probably the life of the party, and you enjoy living a life full of fun and amusement. you're also amazingly creative. with your heavy leo influence, you have the potential to do and achieve whatever you want, you're very resolute. even though you look very open to getting to know new people, you're secretly very picky about who you call your friends, or even when choosing a partner. you always try to be perfect, and hence you want someone that looks and tries just like you do.

🌙 moon in taurus, 4° / 1st decan ruled by venus

the moon is exalted in taurus, so it's definitely a good placement! you're very peaceful, you try to avoid conflicts when you can. this placement makes you crave stability, whether it's financial, in love etc. you must be very stubborn, as taurus is a fixed sign. this placement, paired with your imaginative leo energy, makes you settle on making your ideas concrete, and it's very beneficial. it makes you capable of achieving any goals in your life. you're also very artsy, and you may fancy particular art styles. you have a good eye for aesthetics, and you care a lot about the looks of your house, body, clothes etc. you have excellent concentration, and that is another thing that helps you achieve your goals and make your ideas concrete. last but not least, you're amazingly patient, and that makes you a great friend. probably, they vent a lot of their worries to you, as you're also a great listener.

🗣 mercury in virgo, 8° / 1st decan ruled by mercury

you have a very logical, pragmatic mind. ironically, this creates contrast with your leo energy, confusing you as you may act differently in different situations. you try to be as well-spoken as possible, especially with strangers, but when people get on your nerves you can’t help but kill them with your words. before expressing your opinion on a certain matter, you like making sure that your thought actually has proof to be supported. you’re very analytical, and hence you also overthink a lot. especially when it comes to people you care, you start overthinking so much about little things like late replies to messages that you create a variety of hollywood-worthy scenarios in your head. you also pay lots of attention to details, and you can’t tolerate typos and grammar mistakes. you always try to speak and write in the most correct and polite way as possible. you may have an elegant, yet neat handwriting. your voice probably sounds very calm and collected, yet you don’t have any problems speaking at a louder tone.

❤️ venus in gemini, 29° / 3rd decan ruled by mercury and uranus

this is the flirtiest, most romantic gemini decan, but also the flakiest and most indecisive. your flirting style most probably includes jokes, teasing… things like that. even though you may seem flaky, as you like experiencing romance with different types of people, you’re actually quite picky. in fact, in order to fall for someone, you need to feel mentally attracted to them, not just physically. someone ignorant and stubborn that doesn’t care about learning something most definitely isn’t for you. you’re not the type to be super romantic and sweet with your partner or just people in general. you show your affection for example by sending them memes, making ironic jokes about them etc. also, when you’re into someone, you probably get very talkative! you start asking them simple questions about their life, even things like 'did you have lunch?’. also, you talk about them with all of your friends, and you find yourself thinking costantly about them. you’re very curious of nature, but you’re only interested in getting to know what catches your eye.

gemini venus square virgo jupiter: you come off as a very positive, happy-go-lucky person. you're extremely friendly, and this makes you be good at social relationships. you may have lots of friends, or at least you have the potential to make many if you opened up and talked to them. yet, while this energy gives you positive vibes, some people may take advantage of that, as you could easily be mistaken for naive. people can try to dominate you unconsciously (sometimes even on purpose) not only in relationships but even in friendships. aside from that, I don't think this placement causes you many problems. you may have the tendency to procrastinate and not work. you could be quite lazy and get easily distracted, as you're constantly with your head in the clouds.

💥 mars in leo, 27° / 3rd decan ruled by the sun and mars

praise and success are what motivate you the most. your main goal in life is being praised for achieving your goals, you wouldn't feel motivated without compliments. therefore, you put energy in things that make you feel confident and noticed, as you enjoy being seen. for example, if you feel confident being well-dressed, you could spend hours in the closet to look how you want. you are very creative, you get an energy boost through creative outlets, and hence your hobbies (reading, writing, dancing, singing, drawing, etc.) recharge your battery. this placement also makes you very extra, especially with people you're close to. you may gesticulate a lot, you could as well enjoy mimicking others' voices. you're basically very dramatic, you look like an actor when you react, but at least you're very fun and entertaining to watch and listen. this placement, it gives you a strong charisma that, and combined with your sagittarius rising, it makes it impossible not to notice you. you could overreact from time to time, and you may also be particularly pessimistic, but above all you appear as someone very bold and strong-minded.

🏡 houses

your 1st house is in sagittarius, with also chiron placed there. you come off as someone very sympathetic and bold, you're probably the fun one in the family or in your group of friends, even though pluto's presence conjunct the ascendant may delay this energy. you are very charismatic, you have a witty sense of humor and people are always pleased to have you around, as you're able to light up the room. people always see you as someone easy to talk to, someone trustworthy. you probably have great problem-solving skills or, otherwise, you just ignore your problems and wait for time to heal. you're also quite spiritual, you may be sensitive to higher entities and you could possibly also be religious. chiron is also here: your deepest insecurity is your appearance, your identity. it may be that when you were younger, you used to struggle a lot with your appearance. you could have been bullied, or perhaps you could have suffered from an eating disorder. luckily, this placement can get better. in fact, you can gain wisdom from this wound of yours; you can heal others who have self-worth issues once you start loving yourself.

your 2nd house is in aquarius. neptune and uranus are also placed there. your relationship with money isn’t stable at all. you may often go from periods where you earn a lot of money and possessions, to other times where you lose all of them all of a sudden. same thing goes for your self-esteem, it fluctuates a lot. you find beauty and aesthetic in material things; you most probably love clothes, art, music… anything that isn’t exactly a priority in life, but that allows you to express your personal taste, which is very refined. this placement makes you very creative, and hence you could make money out of your creativity. it would be a great way to find a job and become successful, but also to increase your security and confidence. you could even be a very innovative person, and with your leo sun you would make an excellent leader / boss. you could also make money through internet or with technology in general.

your 3rd house is in pisces. when it comes to speech, you’re most likely more introspective. you may not be much talkative, and most of the time you keep your ideas and thoughts to yourself, but actually it's hard for you to hide them. you may be secretive, but you're easy to read. you learn the best when you’re close to creativity or imagination, you’re very intuitive and hence it's easier for you to learn new topics. while you're very empathetic and you're able to properly convey your thoughts and feelings in your speech, you may also come off as sensitive or even insecure. you may have a quiet voice, and hence you could come off as shy. on the other hand, you may have the tendency to lie, or just being confusing in any way. you may not always express what you want crystal clear, as you want to able to modify the story just in case you encounter some hardships. also, you never truly express your feelings, probably out of fear. you’re always vague, and you keep your private matters for yourself. pisces is a mutable sign, so you may also find yourself changing ideas often, your mind wanders from one thought to another.

your 4th house is in aries. while outside you may appear as very polite, when you feel comfortable you actually become way more fiery. you’re very impulsive in your home environment, you could have been some sort of warrior in your childhood. maybe you used to argue a lot with your parents, perhaps because they were too overprotective. yet, I don't see any kind of trauma. you may have a very strong emotional bond with your family, even though you may argue often as you're all pretty sensitive and impulsive. you could be particularly attached to your mother, even though you used to argue a lot. the moon is also sitting in this house: your privacy and security are the centre of your life. you need to be and feel emotionally stable to fully take advantage of all of your skills; for example, if you argue with a loved one of yours, especially if it's someone from your family, you could get very unmotivated to do anything. you need to feel complete to function correctly, and when you can't, you rely on material goods; e.g you may overeat, buy a lot of useless things out of stress, drink... anything that apparently helps you to cope. on the other hand, you're very affectionate, even clingy at times, but your feelings are very pure. because of that, you may also be extremely sensitive, you could be afriad of others' judgment for example.

your 5th house is in taurus. you are a very creative, artistic person. you’re able to relax by watching netflix, eating, writing, painting… anything that can be done at home. you’re not the type to hang out too often or party all night, you’re more of a homebody. you could also love sleeping in, just being able to stay in bed all day wearing comfy clothes is a vacation for you. you always try to be at your best state, and you want those who surround you to be perfect too. it's hard for you to fall for someone, as you take everything in consideration: personality, physical appearance, fashion sense... it may look like it is too much, but once you find the right one that truly satisfies your standards, you're in for a long ride. you'll want to travel, live your life in the best way possible with the person you love.

your 6th house is in gemini. in your daily routine, especially at work, you have to communicate a lot. you come in contact with lots of people, or maybe you write stuff like blogs or books. generally, you have a very hectic schedule, as you have different hobbies and appointments that you can’t abandon. this placement indicates that you may be prone to overwork yourself, as you put a lot energy in your job. you could be quite superficial in a certain sense, and you’d risk to waste your potential with as you may take your job as a challenge, for example, you need to feel mentally stimulated to like it. in fact, your ideal career has to include something that allows you to express your personal taste, ideas and interests. in this way, it won’t feel too heavy to you, and you’ll find pleasure in working. as for your health, you may have problems with your lungs. you may suffer from anxiety or asthma, for instance, or anything that doesn't allow you to breath properly.

your 7th house is in gemini. saturn and venus are also placed there. in a partner, you seek someone intelligent that is able to keep up with your rhythm. you don’t have time to nurture someone, you want them to fully understand you. in fact, you may be more attracted to older partners, as they’re supposed to be more mature. I don’t see many issues arising in your marriage life, it will probably be very peaceful, but it may take you a while to find someone you like. you’re a picky person when it comes to love, you want someone hard-working and responsible with a big brain, yet they should also be quite outgoing and funny. you need mental stimulation, someone that is a constant adventure for you and that is worth exploring. maybe, you're actually afraid of falling in love; or perhaps, it's the opposite: your risk-taker sagittarius energy made you jump into relationships, even if they weren't actually your priority. it may be hard for you to fall for someone, but once you do, you're totally invested in them. you're quite of a traditionalist when it comes to love; you may the type that prefers being courted, rather than court yourself. you're also quite into clichés, and you're looking for a polite and ambitious partner. someone who has a stable job, and is also wealthy. basically, someone that looks (and possibly is) rich and noble. you may also have the tendency to date people that are older than you, and possibly also soulmates from your past lives. in fact, you attract many karmic partners that are here to teach you lessons. your relationships may be quite painful, or at least they're so intense that they are hard to forget. with this placement, it's also recommended to get married after your saturn return, hence after your 28-29 years old, to avoid any kind of challenges.

your 8th house is in leo, with also your sun, mercury and mars sitting there. you have the potential to become a very successful individual, with a great amount of charisma. yet, since the 8th house is related to pluto, the malefic planet of transformation, there are some hardships to this placement. in fact, you may have the tendency to look down on people that aren’t as open-minded as you are. I have the same placement, so I understand that it’s not easy at all, but you should learn to accept respectful people’s opinions. if you do that, you’ll finally be able to glow brightly. you’re very curious when it comes to taboo topics, you like learning about them. you’re probably into conspiracy theories, as well as matters like astrology, tarots, horror, tragedies, mystery... you can use them to transform yourself and grow up, so you could definitely use this birth chart reading to improve yourself. 8th house is also the house of karma, and yours is kind of strange. you may often feel like you’re right about something, e.g the sky is blue. you’re very proud of your observation, but then it turns out to be different. it’s like the universe is constantly teaching you new things. luckily, this is something that gets better with time. you’re an extremely goal-oriented person. you want to be the best at everything you do, not only to be better than others but also the best for yourself. you’re very astute, it’s impossible to trick you, and you always find a way to be in charge and get what you want. yet, you can get quite obsessed about your goals, that you could do extreme things to get what you want. in fact, people with this placement can even manipulate others, as they’re totally capable of doing that. in addition, your sun being in leo makes you extremely charming. people are naturally attracted to you, you have a way with words, and hence you’re always able to convince others into giving you what you want. but luckily, this doesn’t turn into manipulation, you probably don’t even realize this skill of yours, and hence you don’t use it to damage others. you are very persuasive, but you don't do it on purpose, you could actually be a little naive. when you get angry, you could actually get scary, though. your emotions are very intense, it’s hard to calm you down.

your 9th house is in virgo. at school you were a very diligent student; you were practical, precise and organized, you enjoyed studying at being the best in class. yet, you could be quite bossy at times, as you could come off as a bit too arrogant but you're just very dedicated. on the other hand, you're also very intelligent and open-minded above all, you could feel particularly drawn to foreign cultures and languages and you could be naturally skilled. you may also get to travel a lot or even move abroad at a certain point in your life, you're definitely a citizen of the world and you hardly ever have prejudices.

your 10th house is in libra. you have an eye for aesthetics, and you want to have a reputation for looking classy and mannered. basically a lady, but that knows how to stand up for herself. in your ideal career you need something that makes you express your need for beauty, possibly even justice. you may have a passion for poetry and literature in general, or maybe you could be particularly skilled at fashion. you have a natural talent to match colours with undertones, body shapes, vibes etc., and you could make this particular ability of yours a job. you’re also a charismatic, strong-willed speaker, hence you could also do well as a lawyer, a politician, an activist etc.

your 11th house is in scorpio. you are extremely picky with your friends. you have trust issues, probably caused by your karmic issues again, that make you secretive around your friends. you may close yourself in your shell, or maybe you actually know a lot of people, yet you only consider a few of them your friends. most of the time, you may also befriend people that try to take advantage of you, people may betray you often. or perhaps, since there’s a possibility that you understand that, you could be the one who leads the group and acts quite bossy. this is something that gets naturally better with time; actually, your friends will be of great help for you to grow up. you may have big dreams for your future, yet you may feel intimidated as they’re very intense, and hence hard to make come true. you need to pay your karmic debts in order to finally feel comfortable with others and have the motivation to achieve your long-term goals.

your 12th house is in sagittarius, and pluto is also sitting there. you're particularly interested in religion and higher beliefs, hence meditation would be effective for you. yet, you need to get enough sleep, or you could not be able to fully embrace the spirituality of this placement. you may also be able to have prophetic dreams, or at least they have a strong moral beyond them. possibly, you could make lots of good dreams, even though you do have many nightmares as well. perhaps, your dreams could bring you luck; for instance, you may dream about the winning numbers of the lottery, or maybe they may warn you about certain people or events in your life that could harm, you are strongly connected to your higher self.

❤️ love life, soulmates

in love you attract gemini, aquarius, libra, capricorn and taurus. your future spouse will most probably have capricorn, aquarius and libra placements, hence they’ll be very hard-working, intelligent and witty, but also very sarcastic and a bit moody. it may be love at first sight, and you may find them very attractive. you may also meet at work, or you're going to be introduced to them by your family or friends. you'll most likely also meet them abroad, they may be foreign or at least they have a different cultural background from yours. or perhaps, you're going to marry someone older than you, and you meet them later in your life, around your 27s/28s and so on. your children will be heavy in taurus and libra placements, hence they’ll be very creative and quite lazy too, they'll probably love eating and they will like playing around. yet, they could be a bit too stubborn and sometimes materialistic.

👶🏻 family life

your mother is a very fiery person, with a short-temper. she could have sometimes even been quite violent with you during your childhood, and she might have a bit of a childish behaviour. deep down, she’s actually kind of insecure with her role as a mother. she may have aries, libra or cancer placements in her chart. your father, on the other hand, is more submissive. he’s a peaceful person, even though he most probably has a passive-aggressive behaviour. you could actually have a better relationship with him rather than with your mother, or at least he understands your needs better. he may have libra, cancer or scorpio, as well as aries in his chart. if you have siblings, they most probably have pisces, capricorn or aquarius placements in their chart. you have a great relationship with them, even though it could have been a while for you to get along. overall, your relationship with them was peaceful.

📊 career

you could do well at a variety of jobs to be honest! with your gemini in the 6th house you could actually work in different fields before sticking to one career, hence you’re pretty experienced. I certainly see you being successful in your career, you will most likely work alone and you'll most likely be a boss or even famous. you're very hard-working, so I can see you having your own business for example. otherwise, you may also do well in an aesthetic field, you probably have great creative talent. you may be an artist, a creative director, a screenwriter, a writer, a singer, a musician... or even more practical jobs like lawyer, judge, possibly also a therapist or psychologist. you'll settle down on a career that will make you feel emotionally fulfilled, you'll truly enjoy what you do. you may possibly also work with other people, you may have to interact with others for your future job. you could work in a field related to public relations, or perhaps you may even work abroad or with people of different cultures from yours.

👕 fashion sense, style analysis

I imagine you put a lot of effort into your outifts, yet you don’t show it. you want to look effortlessly good, you don’t want to give the impression that you tried. your style may be quite minimalistic and simple, with lots of jeans, sweatshirts, plain t-shirts… I see you being more into natural shades, like white, grey, beige etc. you’re also not very fond of using too many accessories, you’re stylish but still very simple. you have this natural charm to you, hence you still look good even though your outfits may not be too complex.

👁 past life, life purpose

in your past life, you were very career-oriented. you were probably extremely successful at work, it was your priority. you could have even been someone important for your career, who knows. yet, this lifetime you don't need to focus on work anymore, you're already a master at it. now, you need to solve your issues with your family and create a family of your own to fully accomplish your life purpose. there may be some ups and downs, but this is what your soul has to learn in this lifetime.

🤔 major transits analysis / august 24

transit virgo sun is currently conjunct your natal leo mars in the 8th house: you may be feeling a bit impulsive these days, you could argue easily with others so be careful with what you do or say. these arguments could be particularly painful for you, so try to avoid them. also, with transit jupiter in your 2nd house conjunct your uranus, you may come across unexpected luck in these days, so pay attention to any signs! they were most likely meant to be.

🧿 manifest what you want, secret skills

the best way for you to manifest is idealizing and acting at the same time. you have both energies combined in your chart, which is great actually! I’d suggest you to first picture what you want in your life, and then do something concrete to manifest it. for example, let’s suppose you want this gucci bag; first, think about it deeply. then, you could try going into a gucci shop and just walk around, maybe even touch that bag. you’ll get results if you believe it! it’s also great to write and read/listen your own positive affirmations, such as 'I love my gucci bag’, 'the gucci bag my mom gave me is amazing’ and so on.

and this is it! thank you again for booking a reading, hope it resonated with you :)

- libramc xx

#astrology

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pynkhues · 4 years ago

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Why does Dean plead guilty? Is it bc of Phoebe? Is it because he wants to protect Beth? Is it because he wants to take the credit? Does it have to do with his male-ness? Have you already explored this topic? #questions

That’s such a good question, anon! It makes for a really interesting (and I actually think in-character) beat for Dean, and I think you’re right in the sense that it’s partially about protecting Beth and partially having to do with his male-ness, but I think there’s also something more fundamental at play.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how this show explores image, perception and projection, and how frequently those things are at the root of Beth and Dean’s arcs, both together and apart. These themes do of course feed into other character storylines (Annie at Ben’s school charity auction in 4.02 being one of the clearest examples of this – that was entirely about projecting an image to Ben’s peers and trying to change the way she would be perceived), but I don’t think it roots as deeply as it does in Beth and Dean, in no small part because Beth and Dean’s biggest audience is themselves.

So! Let’s break that down and talk about how that feeds into Dean pleading guilty.

Rose Coloured Boy (Rose Coloured Girl): nostalgia as the face of love

One of the things that’s always fascinating to me about Beth and Dean’s relationship is how often the show roots it in the past. One of the very first moments of Dean acting regretful over his cheating way back in 1.02 is through talking about the ‘fun stuff [he and Beth] did in the back seat in highschool’. That sense of the history of their romance is further emphasised in imagery of their past – Beth and Dean’s wedding photo is revisited frequently in season 1 while their anniversary is a key moment of the finale, Dean reminisces over screenshots of the kids as babies in season 2, and they even talk sweetly about anniversary dates, and their first apartment together after signing their divorce papers in 2.13.

This paints a picture of a tender history. One of young love and years of happiness and kindness, only it’s a history that the show has regularly, deliberately undermined.

All those beautiful pictures Dean’s looking at of his young family together and happy? Well, 2.05 confirmed that Beth was pregnant while he was having one of his affairs, so which of those photos are truly happy, and which were taken while Dean was betraying her? Similarly, they talk and joke about Valentine’s Day three years ago at the end of 3.08, but if he wasn’t having an affair with Amber then, he was likely having one with another woman.

The purpose of undermining history like this isn’t about the show forgetting or retconning these plot points – especially when the show ties these moments to other emotions, like Dean’s jealousy over Rio in 3.08 (and I’ll come back to that later), or Dean’s feelings of failure – but rather to establish the way that Beth and Dean both romanticise their past and paint it with a rose-coloured brush.

They tell themselves that they might not be happy today, but they were happy yesterday. And then they say that the next day and the next day and the next day, until every unhappy day, becomes a happy yesterday.

That romanticisation of their history is intrinsically tied to an image that they want to project to themselves. They have put so much time and energy into this thing between them, they have so many children, have so much of their lives entwined, that they need to believe that it’s all been worth it, because if it’s not, the image cracks and I don’t think either of them have the tools to handle that.

Which we kind of saw in 4.03.

It’s not an accident that the Beth and Dean flashbacks were in that episode – an episode that in a lot of ways fractured the image of Beth and Dean’s relationship, particularly for Dean. He’s been under the impression that they’re better, that they’re working again, that neither of them are cheating and Rio’s far away and Beth believes in him like she did before everything went wrong, and to discover that that image was false – was a projection of what Beth wanted him to believe, and perhaps simply what he himself wanted to believe too – is challenging to say the very least.

He was put in a position where he was faced not only with the extreme consequences of his wife’s actions, but a domino effect of lie after lie after lie, and the show choosing to take us back to the start of their relationship at that very moment, I think, shows us that the root of Beth and Dean’s relationship came back to Beth needing to be looked after, and Dean deciding, without knowing Beth very well, that he wanted to be the one to do it.

Macho Macho Man: Dean & Masculinity

Which brings us to Dean and masculinity. I’ve talked about the show’s exploration of masculinity quite a bit now (hell, it even has its own tag now, haha), and wrote a whole series of posts after 2.04 about male ego which I should probably update sometime to include s3 and s4, but it really is one of the core themes of the show. It bubbles to the surface almost constantly and frequently becomes a driving factor of character motivations, particularly characters like Turner, who had his male ego challenged by Beth which resulted in a vendetta, to Boomer��s toxic masculinity driving him through much of the show.

For Dean though, his masculinity is frequently projected only to be destroyed, undermined or used against him in a way that ultimately completely emasculates him. The scene of Dean trying to reassert gender roles on himself and Beth only to have Rio bone his wife, destroy his prized car and insert himself into his business is perhaps the clearest example of that, but it manifests in plenty of other ways too. From hiring hitmen only to be robbed and have his wife’s panties stuck in his mouth, to buying the gun only to have it stolen, to think he’s establishing a new business for himself only to discover his wife’s pulling the strings with her ex-lover. Hell, even the fact of losing the business in the first place is inherently emasculating.

What I’m getting at is that every time Dean asserts himself in ways that are typically considered ‘Masculine’ – providing for his family, dominating his wife / treating her paternalistically, behaving with violent intents, establishing a business – it’s only to have that immediately undermined in the narrative. Dean likes this image for himself, and wants to project it, but the show keeps telling us that the image is a false one.

And then the show outright used that falsehood, and Dean’s insecurity over it, in 4.02 with Dave convincing Dean to give him the books, despite Beth telling him they weren’t ready.

Dean played right into his hand because Dave saw Dean’s masculinity for what it was – a projection covering an insecurity, which in turn, made Dean act thoughtlessly.

(Another pattern of behaviour for Dean! Like hiring the hitmen or cutting the money plate).

Dean’s commitment to the image of masculinity is in a lot of ways too tied to this idea of the rose-coloured image of his and Beth’s romantic history. Beth, from an image standpoint, is a case study in traditional femininity, and for much of their 20-year relationship, they’ve had their roles and they’ve stuck to them. The challenge of that throughout the course of the series is ultimately a challenge to the image that their relationship is based on, which in turn means that Dean’s feelings of failing masculinity end up being tied to his feelings and insecurities around Beth, frequently manifesting into jealousy over Rio.

To have that used against him by Dave (and funnily enough, Rio using those same feelings of Dean’s against Beth in 4.02) is a really interesting character note and I think very much fuels his motivation in the scene with Phoebe.

That Loving Feeling: a brief aside

I feel like I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention here that I actually do think Beth and Dean love each other. I think that it’s a broken love, like Christina said in her BUILD interview while promoting season 3, and I also think it’s a child’s love, which is something that we saw a bit through these flashbacks. Their relationship is so steeped in that history and that origin, that their love has failed to grow with them. It’s a sort of arrested development type of love, which I think makes them cling to the image all the harder, and it’s that old love and that image that’s stopped Dean from ever even contemplating turning Beth in.

Dean Pleads Guilty

Projection and perception are key in this show overall, but especially this season. We’ve seen that with the way Fitzpatrick has projected onto Beth, which I’ll talk about another time, but we also importantly saw Phoebe project onto Beth in this episode. She equates Beth to a girl she was friends with in highschool who used her, and tells Dean as such.

Phoebe’s projection of Beth – her image of her – isn’t one that Dean identifies with, and he tells her as much in return. While Dean is quiet in the scene overall outside of that interaction, the flashbacks deliberately seek to remind us of the nostalgia that has driven Beth and Dean’s relationship for the last twenty years and four seasons of the show. There’s a part of Dean that still sees Beth as the girl he chose to look after when they were just teenagers, and I think having his masculinity threatened the episode before by Dave intermingled with Dean’s nostalgia and his desire to ‘man up’ and take care of her in the way he tried to when her mum was in the hospital. All their murky, messy history and anger and hurt is painted over again, and Dean, at least in the moment, re-commits himself to the image of what he and Beth are.

He’s the man, she’s the woman, and it’s just another unhappy today for all those happy yesterdays.

#beth x dean #beth boland #dean boland #gg 4.03 #masculinity #character backgrounds #staying's worse than leaving #welcome to my ama #Anonymous

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astrognossienne · 4 years ago

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birthdays: 4 - the unabashed social climber

My dabbling in birthday numerology has resulted in a ridiculously viral and classic post on my tumblr that goes through all the birthdays. The total sum of all birthdays essentially adds up to a range of numbers 1-9. In that post, I provided snapshots of the personalities of these birthdays. Now, here, on my website, I shall expound further as to why I came to these conclusions. To continue this series, we'll get into my other least favourite birthday number: 4.

4, 13, 22, 31: humanitarians, romantic, penetrating, provocative, faithful, pragmatic, reserved, immature, nakedly ambitious, tries too hard to be omnipotent, controversy always seems to surround them, savage for no reason, prides themselves on being infallible but are utterly fallible, know-it-alls, critical, anxious, smart-mouthed yet very sensitive (almost too much so), proud, tries hard to be individualistic but in reality is just like everyone else, very shady, can be and is often very disrespectful, patronizing and egotistical, needs their ass kissed, due to their vast insecurity and inherent inadequacy they have a need to conquer others and if they can’t do so then they will try very hard to destroy them, wayyy too sensitive and resorts to being caustic and abusive when they’re hurt (which is all the time), tries too hard to act/look/talk hard, can be tough but sweet, can be quite judgmental, always working, likes to one-up people, needs control and is often very self-controlled, often fake, passive-aggressive, very opportunistic and savvy, great at making friends, very contradictory and hypocritical, often very talented and hardworking, competitive, inspires others, wants to be known as kind and great in everyone’s eyes, almost always supremely unlikable individuals, often downright repulsive, has low self-esteem and projects it on others, often has hidden motives, adroit in using people’s emotions for their own ends

I think I pretty much summed them up there. Those who have these birthdays (especially those born on the 4th and 22nd) are the ones who I'm the most indifferent towards and amused by, but in the interest of fairness, let's dive into the psyche of these people, because if nothing else, they're moderately interesting psychological case studies.

When I think of 4's, I think of the character Eve Harrington in the classic film All About Eve. They're hurt, bitter, broken, miserable insecure bitches and often have low self-esteem and inadequacies within themselves, but they cover it up with false "self-love" and "assertiveness" which is actually condescension, aggressiveness, cockiness, and arrogance. This is evidenced in their unabashed social climbing they do. All social climbing have one thing in common: they seek to increase the social climber status by attacking and taking status away from others. They revel in this, since in their mind it secures their power over others, which is very important to them. They're often sad cases with attitude problems. They can’t, or don’t know how to reconcile their pain in a healthy way, so they direct it back out in mean, cruel, and insensitive ways - hurting others just because they were hurt. This process works only briefly, and usually generates extreme guilt in the person, making them stop for awhile. But, the pain of their past hasn’t been healed, so once again they try to bleed off the pain by hurting someone by being mean or rude. It’s like draining the pressure in a boiler. They know they’re inferior and broken, so they take it out full force on the people they envy and those whose true authentic power that they want. They often say what they don't mean. They're also forces of nature, and they somehow always seem to draw deep emotions out of people, and a lot for people seem to be deeply drawn to them. Fours, in turn, are often drawn by those who know how to control their emotions and make them work for them as well as those who have a deeper well of emotion than they and aren't scared of displaying it.

They have the amusing paradox of being mean AND hypersensitive at the same time, but the key is if one feels that these people are actually worth the time you have to take to get to know them, ignore their natural walls, abnormal need for control, rudeness and meanness, and love them anyway. If one can get through to that hurting part and heal and love it, these individuals can be loyal and even amazing friends for life. (incidentally, it's for this reason that I always seem to see these individuals deeply connected to 2's, 5's and 9's because I think 4's sense in them a kindred spirit, or someone they can use this strange type of "love" on and still feel accepted. But I'll cover those numbers at a later date). It might seem crazy, but a common way these people try and pull their partner/friends close is by expressing anger (of which there is a lot of) and unneeded childish aggression, often ruthlessly attacking perceived weaknesses. It usually works in the opposite way (unfortunately), but often underneath the anger is a strong plea for connection and love. The anger is a mask of protest about not getting that love. They like to create conflict and are very restless. They’re whiny and their edginess is based on their M.O. that "people want to hurt me; I must hurt them first to be safe". They’re often very petty and very small and are too selfish to show any real compassion for those going through a tough time or a tragedy, often pouring salt on the wound (although strangely enough, they're often touted as paragons of compassion and virtue).

They're not satisfied with the ordinary, and more often than not they do tend to lead extraordinary lives. They have an accessibility and a mystery at the same time. They can be calm and insanely disciplined. But they are also very fiery and passionate, and often make rash and headstrong decisions and can be very immature and insecure about themselves because of the need for balance that the number 4 suggests. They can also (only when seriously evolved) be inspirational, using their talents to move masses of people in a way very few can, such as Barack Obama (August 4), and obnoxious personalities like Beyoncé (September 4), her husband Jay-Z (December 4), and their friend Justin Timberlake (January 31 [another classic case of the low-level 4]). They are victims masquerading as warriors and use their victimhood as a weapon and other opportunistic tactics to cement their power. However, there is a lot of fixed-sign-esque (especially that of a Leonine/Scorpionic nature) ego associated with the number 4, and this requires everyone to bow down and kiss their ass. If the 4 doesn't get this type of treatment, then they'll destroy everything and everyone in their wake to assuage their hurt feelings and damaged ego, such as it is in the case of Meghan Markle (also born on August 4) and what she and her husband Harry are currently doing to the Royal Family.

Meghan tried to gain unconditional and total acceptance from them/England/the world. Since she didn't get it, she and Harry took their ball and went home" by backing out of the Royal Family and the duties associated with it and moving with their children to America, effectively cutting themselves off from Harry's grandmother, brother, and ailing grandfather. Which brings me to another point about 4's: they like to do things on their own terms, often alienating others along the way to satisfy themselves. Now that Meghan has had time to think about the "abuse" that she feels that she has received, she's going to get her ultimate revenge by trying to destroy the Royal Family with allegations of racism and mental/emotional abuse. Note: it wasn't a problem when they were courting, and it wasn't a problem when they got married, but since she didn't get the "kid glove" treatment she wanted, now they're a "racist family". I often wonder, if the firm/tabloids/press went after Princess Diana so brutally, as blonde-haired, blue-eyed and pretty as she was, what did Markle honestly expect? This speaks to the 4s often shocking naivety. Also, Markle kept referring to Kate Middleton in her interview, so that means that she's fixated on Kate as a point of envy. This is how hate and negative emotions will cause things to change and often unnecessarily so.

On the positive side (only when evolved), 4's can be active, hard-working, systematic, diligent, careful, objective, firm, introverted, serious, patient, reserved, thoughtful, sensible, analytic, calm, orderly and loyal. For those born on the 4th, 13th, 22nd, and 31st, this describes them in a nutshell.

#a freebie from my website #enjoy!#4 #four #numerology #birthdays #mine

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hobidara · 4 years ago

Text

latibule; oikawa

part 2;

pairing: oikawa x fem!reader

genre: friends to lovers, fluff, angst

word count: 2.68k

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every time you try to remember the moment you fell for your friend, you can’t remember. you don’t even know how or when, you just did which is pretty scary. if you at least knew the reason why you like him, maybe you can stop yourself but unfortunately, there’s no particular reason.

he was extremely popular back in high school. during college? he was as well. he still is today, even in university. high school and university are two very different things.

high school has less students and it wasn’t as stressful, at least for you. in case of oikawa, he is always stressed due to his inferior complex and always feeling like he’s not good enough.

he doesn’t show it to you, of course. heck, you guys became closer just last year despite knowing each other for five years. but you’ve seen the way he tried so hard for volleyball, the way he beat himself over it just because he thinks he’s not as good as others. oh, how you wish you could just scream it in his face that he’s the best.

now, you guys are in university. there’s much more students. it’s harder to be well known in university compared to high school. also, university students don’t care about stuff as much as high school students. yet, oikawa is still very well known. even though he doesn’t receive as much love confessions like in high school, he still receives some, he still has girls talking about him, gazing at his direction to gain his attention. even if someone doesn’t know his name, if someone says ‘the pretty setter from the volleyball club’, everyone knows it’s oikawa.

you became friends with oikawa through iwaizumi. the two of you were put into a pair for a chemistry project which meant you had to meet iwa during after school hours to finish the project.

oikawa wasn’t from your class. he always sticks to iwa. one day, you had a question about the conclusion part so you walked over to their table where the two sat together with their other teammates.

you didn’t even bash an eyelash at oikawa because you were clearly not interested. especially guys like him who had girls swooning over him. you couldn’t see why. sure, he’s pretty, good-looking, cool and smart. what’s more than that? you didn’t get it at all.

being the friendly oikawa he is, he joined the conversation iwa and you were having. he introduced himself even though he knew everyone knew his name. that’s the very start. the three of you started hanging out a lot more and soon, they were already inviting themselves to your place.

not to mention the fact that your mom loves oikawa. just look at his external cover and not inside him, what’s there not to love him? but you just saw him as a close friend. he talked about girls to you. you also talked about boys to him which he always whines about you not having good taste in men. you watched girls come and go just like how he watched boys come and go your way.

even though he was very popular, oikawa never really took that as an advantage. he never played with girls’ feelings, he didn’t give him false hopes and he tries his best to be nice when rejecting someone’s confession.

the girls he dated were different as well, some of them were pretty while some of them were average. all of them gave off different vibes so you still don’t know what his type is.

same goes for you but you weren’t the luckiest with men or should we call them boys? so yes, you honestly don’t know when you fell for him. somehow, you found yourself thinking about him more and smiling at his texts more.

oikawa always hangs his arm around your shoulders, pats your head, ruffles your hair, gives you small hugs here and there, squishes your cheeks and many more small actions exist but you started blushing unlike before. you immensely tried to deny it that you are starting to fall for him which led you to date some guys. you still treated them the best you can while dating them though. also, because you and oikawa were impossible. there’s no chance for you.

iwa noticed all this. you know when someone is falling for someone else and they don't know it but the third party always see its through them? iwa was that third party. quickly, iwa became the rant zone whenever you had to open up about your emotions for your friend.

iwa is neutral. he doesn’t exactly ship the two of you but he also doesn’t mind if you end up dating. this is because he knows oikawa too well.

there are so many good traits about him but he’s human, he also has his toxic traits. this is why you don’t want to get involved with him in that way. you don’t want to hurt yourself.

the two of you step out of the library. it’s already 12am. it was all you. you wanted to finish catching up with the lectures today since you’ve been missing a lot of them. why? all because you want to spend your time sleeping in with oikawa instead of attending your morning classes.

as usual, oikawa waited for you as he does whatever he wants. he wasn’t even focusing in his work. but he’s still very smart. you are not much different compared to oikawa.

oikawa, he tries so hard and he doesn’t have natural talent. even though he works his ass off, loses his sleep over volleyball and works thrice harder than others, the ones who have natural talent in them are always ahead of him. that’s how he felt like.

and you, you try really hard in your studies but you are not the smartest. you go to the library every day. you spend hours there, studying. yet, your grades are never as good as the ones who are naturally smart. that makes you so insecure because you actually start to think, oh no matter how much i try, i won’t be like them.

“wait,” he stops in his steps, grabbing your wrist. “can we not go home?”

you blink, “you want to sleep on the streets?”

he stares at you boringly, “no. i’m saying let’s go for a walk.”

“we are walking now.”

he groans, stomping his feet before linking his arm with yours. why does he have to be so cute?

“you know what i meannn.” he pouts, dragging your body with him.

late night walks with your crush? sounds like the fan fictions you read when you are free or lonely. instead of feeling giggly, you feel at ease and peace. you share a comfortable silence, throwing a joke in sometimes as you walk and walk.

you expressed your concerns with your studies and he comforts you. it doesn’t always have to be serious talks with him. you can joke around while being serious at the same time and you like that. but oikawa has never talked about his worries to you, quite different from you who likes ranting it out.

“i’m hungry.” you say, pulling his hand towards you. are you really or are you just making up another reason to spend time with him longer?

“how can you eat a lot?” he asks, smiling and pokes your stomach.

you ask back, “aren’t you?”

“maybe, a bit. but i don’t want to go back yet.”

“well, i want to.” you shrug, walking ahead of him knowing he will follow you.

he grins, showing a thumbs up. “okay. i will cook you ramen at my place.”

“you cook it yourself then, since it’s your place.”

even if he told you to cook it instead, you still would. you are such a simp for him that it even hurts your ego.

“i will! let’s go!” he beams.

and did the two of you continue talking about one topic after another even after eating? just so you could spend time longer and eventually maybe spend the night over? maybe.

you are seated at a table near the vending machine, laughing at your guy friends who are still arguing about the football match they just had. it wasn’t a serious nor a practice one, they just played for fun. you and your friend, amelie decided to watch them play as you guys were bored to death in your dorms.

also maybe because oikawa hasn’t texted you since the afternoon which is really weird; considering the fact that he’s always texting you and you wanted to distract yourself from it.

the sound of the gym doors behind you opening catches your attention as you see students coming out of it — wait, aren’t those volleyball players?

after a bunch of them walking out and just when you thought that maybe he’s not here, the sight of iwa, drenched in sweat makes you raise your eyebrows.

“oh?” he tilts his head, walking towards you. “why are you here?”

“came to watch my friends playing football.” you answer, nodding at your guy friends who are also now looking at the exchange between you and iwa.

iwa nods, “he’s inside.”

“he? he who?” you ask even though the back of your mind is screaming oikawa.

“oikawa. who else?” iwa smirks, “go on in.”

you get up a bit too quickly before telling your friends, “um, you guys can go ahead.”

they agree suspiciously, eyeing iwa, probably thinking you have something going on with him. geez.

you push the gym doors open and the echoes of the volleyball slamming against the floors welcome you.

there he is, tooru oikawa, practicing his ass off alone. his shirt is literally soaked in sweat that you can even see his back muscles. you might sound creepy but you are just pointing out what you are seeing. how long was their practice anyway?

when he walks towards the ball cart to grab another one, you call out his name.

“take a break!”

he whips his head around at your voice, a very tiny smile appearing on his face.

“since when were you here?” he questions.

“just now. met iwa outside.”

he nods, returning his gaze back to the volleyball in his hand.

“go grab dinner with him. he said he’s hungry.”

this makes you pout slightly. doesn’t the thought of you being alone with another guy makes him jealous? but again, it’s iwa we are talking about. the person who helped started the friendship between you and oikawa.

you shake your head, sliding down against the wall to sit on the floor. “nah, we will wait.”

instead of replying, he jumps and spikes the ball hard that you flinch in your place. watching him practice breaks your heart. it always does. back in high school till now, whenever you see him practicing alone in the empty gym with all his might, finishing it with his palms all red and still not being satisfied with himself, you just want to give him a hug.

“you know me. i will take hours.” he finally replies after a few more spikes. you almost already forgot about the last words you said.

just before you can give a response, iwa walks in with a new pair of clothes.

“oikawa!” he howls loudly, striding to his friend and plainly taking the ball away from oikawa’s grasp.

“iwa-chan, just one m–”

“i’ve known you my whole life, dude. that’s the lie you spit the most.” iwa says strictly before heading to put the volleyball ball cart in the store room.

oikawa groans so loudly and messes his own hair from frustration. he hates it when someone interrupts him or stops him from practicing but everyone knows iwa is the only one who can control and take care of him.

when he makes his way to his bag which is right beside you, he doesn’t look very pleased so you try to start a conversation.

“anything you have in mind for dinner?” you ask, looking up at him.

guggling down his water, he shrugs, “anything.”

are you intimidated? yes, you are. despite knowing him for years, you still don’t know how to handle with his moods. maybe you do but you are just scared you will make it worse so you choose to remain silent instead.

besides, if you try to talk more and he ends up yelling at you, it will just lead you to messily cry and that’s embarrassing so no, you don’t want that.

iwa notices the way both of you are quiet when he walks out of the store room. being the mom he is, it’s his job to fix this atmosphere.

“ohh, look who this is. i knew that winter coat was familiar!”

a very familiar voice interrupts your cries. your eyes widen, and you quickly wipe your tears under the coat’s hood. why is he even here? it’s freaking 2 am. don’t tell me he comes out at 2 in the morning, in 7°C to play basketball.

you feel him sit next to you but you remain quiet, afraid that your voice will crack if you say something.

“hey, aren’t you happy to see me?” he asks in a whiny voice, bumping his shoulder with yours thrice.

“i am.”

you suddenly find him crouched down in front of you as he looks up at your face. “wait, you are cryin — noo, why? what’s wrong?”

he throws questions at you worriedly, cupping your face with his large hands. you wiggle out of his hold, clearing your throat.

“i’m not.”

he slaps your thigh softly, “i’m not my ass. do you think i’m blind?”

when you don’t respond anything back, he continues, “hm, tell me. what’s wrong, y/n?”

“you know, just studies.” you lie.

you do not want to tell him the actual reason because you know it’s not going to end well. it’s your friends. apparently, they’ve been discussing about you behind your back, specifically about you and oikawa and how you are spending nights at each other’s place.

then, there’s this group of japanese students you know from the japanese society who’ve also heard about you and oikawa. they call you a slut for sleeping at oikawa’s place when you aren’t even dating. they didn’t say it right in front of your face though. they act so kind around you.

but it still hurts. maybe they are right. maybe you are acting like a slut, being so whipped for a guy who only sees you as a friend. however, it’s not your fault that you can’t control your feelings. you feel sorry for yourself and your emotions and mind are all over the place.

so you did what you always do. you came to this basketball court which is 3 minutes away from your dorm. you always do when you are feeling suffocated.

as always, oikawa comforts you with sweet words, patting your back to make you feel better. even running to the shop next to the court to get you some chocolate. he’s doing his best to make you feel better and it makes you feel worse for lying at him.

this is for the better though. if he knows, he will either blame himself for it or he will directly face the people who talked shit about you. you don’t want that for him because this is about you. this is your problem.

“let’s go to my place! i will cook you ramen!” he beams, looking at his dorm. yep, the basketball court is just right in front of his dorm.

“no,” you sniffle. “i’m sick of your ramen.”

“ouch,” he pretends to be hurt, clenching his fist over his heart. “how could you say that? that’s the only thing i can make.”

you chuckle, “fine, let’s grab some sausages from the store too.”

he nods happily, linking his arm with yours. he always does this when you two are walking together and the gesture swells your heart a lot. you let out a sigh, realising that instead of stopping your feelings, you’ve fallen even deeper for your friend.

#oikawa #oikawa x reader #tooru oikawa x reader #oikawa x you #haikyuu #haikyuu x reader #oikawa fluff #oikawa fanficiton #oikawa imagine #kuroo tetsuro #kuroo x reader #kuroo x you #kuroo fluff #lkuroo imagine #haikyuu imagine

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sunnieskies02 · 5 years ago

Text

Toxic

Monoma Neito x Reader

2022k Words

Trigger Warnings: angsty

Hi! I'm new to this fic writing. I am apart of the bnharem discord server and the server prompt was “it’s 2am, I know that, but I need you…; I’m sorry but I can’t go to you anymore you know that.” If you wish to read more go to @candychronicles

-- -- -- -- -- -- -- --

Monoma’s voice was always distinct, it always has been. His smooth voice would bounce off of the walls vibrating into your ears as you would hear him talk.

The words he spoke rang through your eardrums and to your disapproval it was something you and him had discussed prior. You pinched the bridge of your nose in annoyance, he hadn’t changed at all. Getting up from the table, you walk down the corridor to hear Momona’s voice crescendo into your ears.

“Your quirks are so… useless. Why would you even come to a school like UA if all you're going to be is a useless nobody.” You stand behind him and still hear him speak down to the support student, making them shrink into nothing.

Shameful

“Hey Monoma!” You interrupt his monologue and see his face turn towards you. “What do you want babe?” He turns his face to you, then looks back at the support student. “Nothing, but I-I’m sorry.” He scratches the back of his neck and hurriedly walks away. ‘His face…’

“Why are you not apologizing to that sweet little support student.” You walk alongside him down the hallway, in the back of your mind you think, ‘Was he always so demeaning?’

“No. I hadn’t thought about apologizing to someone… so useless.”

“Monoma.” He whips his head around frantically to face you, his eyes empty and still. Looking at him face to face was weird, you had never really looked at him directly. Seeing the sharpness of his jaw curve up towards his face near his ears to then his blonde hair that was shining in the sun.

He looked like an angel at a glance, beautiful, loving, and sweet, but his eyes were the key. The key to the demon named Monoma Neito, the part of him that was looked over because of his looks and charisma.

“I don’t need to hear that from anybody who turned somebody like you after being with me.” You were unbothered by his words, but you knew that his words were supposed to hurt you.

“I don’t even know why I dated someone like you. Your quirk is so subpar to mine, I don’t even think that you deserve to be in 1-B, let alone the hero course at all. In my eyes, you are just like that support student, but the difference is that you know more about me than they do.”

As he continued to berate you, his words sank deeper until you drowned in his words. As you fell down the rabbit hole of this idea of love you had found with Monoma, you realized that he was always demeaning.

Blinded by his looks you fell into his trap, locked in with his idea of love. He only dated you out of the pity he felt for someone he looked down upon. He only dated you to fuel his ever growing ego. He only dated you because he knew that someone like you would be foolish enough, blinded by his looks to love him.

You were nobody to Monoma Neito and he made it clear through his words. All. The. Time.

Hot tears rolled down your cheeks burning the skin that they rolled over. You clenched your fist hard enough to let small crescents form on your hand at the horrid realization that he made you look like a fool.

He made you think that he loved you. He manipulated you, changed you and formed you into someone that he could unleash his insecurities on, devalue you.

“Monoma. Listen, please.” Monoma stopped his dialogue about you with himself and looked your way. A smile adorned his face, his cheeks were tinted a rosey red and his lips looked so soft to the touch. He was breath taking, and a weight felt to your stomach with the words were about to come out of your mouth.

“What is it lovely?”

“I-i can’t anymore Monoma. I-just can’t anymore.” You look at his face and the smile he had became a jacked jaw. “W-what do you mean? Y/n what are you talking about?” His voice was still, but a hint of worry could be heard behind it. You opened your mouth, but clenched your jaw shut, you were through being his little ragdoll. You turned away from him and you felt him snatch your wrist and p;ull you towards him.

“What are you talking about y/n? You can’t wait anymore?” You neglected to answer him. You pull your wrist out of his grasp and hurry down the hall away from his booming voice that bounced off of the walls straight into your ears.

For the rest of the day at school and in class, your phone was vibrating and buzzing. You knew it was him trying to talk to you, to reason with you, trying to make you fall into his hands as putty to play with. The buzzing menstrations of your phone continued with no end in sight, in the back of your mind you felt that he really would change.

That he was ultimately going through a phase, a period where he would be ignorant, neglectful, hurtful, demeaning, but that he would love you. True love.

As the sound of the bell rang in your ears ending the school day, you packed your things quickly and ran to the dorms. As you walked quickly to your dorms you hear his voice in the back of your head ‘Just come back to me. You need me y/n.’ You hit your forehead with the palm of your hand and shook your head; it was worse than you had thought.

Expelling his controlling voice was a challenge, because now alone with out him on your side his words, his hurtful words, seeped through your brain and started to make you feel guilty. Guilty for leaving someone who is so broken, guilty for leaving someone who had a promising future, guilty of leaving some one that loved you. Making you feel guilty for him. Even though he makes YOU feel like trash, even though he made YOU feel small, for making YOU feel weak, for making YOU feel like you weren’t enough.

His words of guilt and hate were filling your brain the more you thought of him. Your head was in pain, throbbing at how horrible he made you feel just to realize that you put this on yourself. By the time you reached your dorm room, your balloon popped. As you closed the door and slid down to the floor. The tears started to flow, you were hyperventilating and with every breath and gasp you were reminded of how you brought this pain upon yourself.

With every breath and every tear that fell onto the floor, and heave of your chest, you hated yourself. You hated that you had changed for him, hated that you shaped yourself to be perfect to him when he wasn’t perfect for himself. You had that you sold yourself hope with hope not even existing with him. Despair. You sold yourself to the devil for the price of despair and you were finally paying it.

Picking yourself off of the floor, you rolled onto your bed and allowed the heated tears flow across your face and into the plush pillow. You planted your face into your pillow and cried even harder; you realized that with all the breaths you took in you were breathing in his smell. His heavy pine spring smell, you look all around your room and saw his shirts, his pants and all of the things that belong to him.

A tired wail lets your lips and you turned over in your bed still crying. What were you going to do?

-- -- -- -- --

You wake up hours later from your crying fit. You couldn’t remember why you were crying and what for but you reached into your bag and pulled out your phone. As the bright light lit up your face as you turned it back on you were welcomed with 100+ messages from Monoma, and the feel you felt earlier that day crashed into like a tsunami. You eyes started to water as you reluctantly opened your phone and saw the most recent message it read: “it's 2am, I know that, but I need you…plz answer your phone.” You throw your phone onto your bed and let the tears roll down your cheeks.

In a huff you started to go around your room and pick up all of the things that reeked of Monoma Neito. It hurt to see and feel that you really weren't in a relationship with a genuinely sweet person that you had assumed. As you were going around your room reminiscing on false love, but growing hatred towards Neito you heard a rampant knock on your door.

Your blood ran still, “Who is it?” You started to wipe the tears off of your face hoping that it was a friend but it wasn’t.

“It’s me. Open the door.” You placed both hands over your mouth and fell to the floor. “No.”

“What do you mean no? We need to talk about it earlier today.” His knocking became more frantic. “Come on y/n open the door we need to TALK!” You shakingly tiptoe to the door and check to see if it is locked. It is. Thankfully.

He continued to knock on the door, even harder, “What do you want me to do y/n? Apologize, fine. I’m sorry y/n. I’m sorry please open the door.” You heard his voice soften when a part of you was about to open the door, he truly sounded sorry. But you had to snap yourself out of feeling guilty for him, “N-no Monoma. I can’t anymore. I’m sorry but I can’t go to you anymore you know that. ”

“W-what? A-are you serious. You can’t go to me anymore?” His voice sounded broken but laced with anger. “Are you breaking up with me right now? Are you serious. ARE YOU SERIOUS Y/N?!” His voice boomed through the thin door making you shudder in fear and cover your ears.

“You're leaving me after all we’ve been through, I need you and you're leaving me. Being a hero is hard and I need emotional support and that was you, but no~ you decided to be selfish and leave me for your own benefit. You wanted to suck me dry emotionally and leave me alone throughout the world. You're a monster, a selfish, scheming broad that just wants to have a good looking guy in the palm of your hand. You really are trash for leaving me.”

His words were pitiful, the tears that rolled down your cheeks fell into the cauldron called hate that later turned into anger. You stand up and bang on the door back at him “ Are YOU SERIOUS MONOMA!! You dated me because you knew how in love I was with you and you took that change to manipulate me. I bent my back for you, I changed my look for you, I changed my schedule for you when you wanted to see me more. I CHANGED EVERYTHING FOR YOU. I LOST MYSELF WHILE BEING IN LOVE WITH YOU. YOU DON”T WANT TO ADMIT THAT YOUR SO INSECURE THAT YOU PROJECT IT ONTO OTHERS.”

Through your tears, you took a breath and said “And I was the perfect subject for you to berate with your words and manipulate to make you not feel so bad about how sorry you really are for yourself. Fuck you….Monoma. Don’t speak to me ever again.” You hear him laugh on the other side of the door but he goes quiet, “You’ll regret dumping me, peasant.”

You hear his feet shuffle away on the other side of the door, you get back into bed and lay awake. You cross your hands over your face and cry, ‘He’s probably right. I will regret dumping him, not because I feel bad for him. But the fact that his voice will still ring in my ears pleading for me to take him back.’

Haha....ion like it but do as you will! I did enjoy giving myself the challenge of writing angst. Please enjoy the other pieces too!!

@smittenkitten143

#monoma neito #angst #angsty april #angsty #neito #neito x reader #i tried #its sad ig #angst with no happy ending #sad boy hours

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tabloidtoc · 4 years ago

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National Enquirer, February 8 -- part 1 of 5

You can now buy a copy of this issue for your very own at my eBay store: https://www.ebay.com/str/bradentonbooks

Cover: Jeffrey Epstein's madam Ghislaine Maxwell will die in jail

Page 2: Disgraced Mossimo Giannulli is wasting away in prison and he has dropped 15 pounds since he began his sentence because he hates the food and won't eat it -- he's also been finding it hard to cope and he may be headed for a breakdown if his request for home release is denied

Page 3: Love-hungry Katie Holmes' romance with New York City chef Emilio Vitolo Jr. is showing signs it may sour -- Katie is over the moon for her man but he's a fame-seeking cad with a wandering eye and he's constantly checking out other women when they're out on the town and he's spending way too much online drooling over hot babes on the internet -- Emilio has a serious roving eye and his ego has been out of control since he started dating a big-time Hollywood name and on top of that he's still in touch with a bunch of his exes and brags that Katie's lucky to be dating him instead of the other way around -- Katie's friends are worried she's headed for heartbreak but she just can't see it

Page 4: Deeply concerned Demi Moore reached out to ex-husband Bruce Willis after his bizarre public dustup over failing to follow COVID-19 protocol -- the aging actor raised fears about his mental state when he was embarrassingly booted from a L.A. store after battling the manager over not wearing a mandated mask -- his loved ones worry this was no ordinary lapse in judgement but something far worse that he can't control and it's no secret he's been showing signs of early onset memory loss and this was another example

* Phil Spector's wig collection is set to be auctioned off after he died from COVID-19 in prison -- the music mogul famously wore a number of increasingly elaborate hairpieces during his trial for murdering actress Lana Clarkson in 2003

Page 5: Bobby Brown has fled L.A. in the wake of the tragic death of his son Bobby Brown Jr. -- the coroner has yet to release the cause of death pending further investigation but the family thinks somebody had something to do with Bobby Jr.'s death and they want police to launch an investigation -- it was the final straw that made Bobby and his wife Alicia Etheredge pack up their three kids and head to a suburb north of L.A. where they feel safer

Page 6: Shocking new allegations in a civil case against disgraced baseball legend Alex Rodriguez have left his fiancee Jennifer Lopez shaken -- last summer Constantine Scurtis whose sister Cynthia was married to A-Rod filed a $50 million lawsuit against the former Yankee charging A-Rod with cheating him out of millions in the $1 billion real estate empire they built together -- Alex filed a countersuit denying all of Constantine's claims -- in new papers Constantine stepped up his long-standing feud with his former brother-in-law by leveling new claims that A-Rod also filed false tax documents and engaged in fraud and racketeering after Scurtis was cut from the business -- Jennifer always believed Alex when he said he'd never cheated on Cynthia or screwed her brother but Constantine keeps coming up with new accusations and they trouble her

Page 7: Crushed and confused Ben Affleck is devastated over how Ana de Armas dumped him by phone and pals fear he will fall back into his old bad habits -- Ben looks terrible and there are genuine fears he'll relapse and start drinking like he did after his other breakups and his shabby appearance only serves to give credence to those fears -- Ben is now wondering if Ana was ever that into him at all because this was a serious relationship to him but all his doubts and insecurities are telling him she didn't feel the same way and that hurts -- longtime pal Matt Damon and ex-wife Jennifer Garner rushed to his side to prevent him from tumbling back to the abyss -- baby-making was the final straw for Ana and they split because Ben waffled on starting a new family with her

(continued)

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allegra-writes · 4 years ago

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I'm bringing this back, I feel like he does have a Tumblr because he's not ALWAYS filming and Tom's massive EGO amongst other things doesn't come from NOWHERE 👀

I personally think the ego stuff is a façade, tbh. I'm a gemini too and I know some people doesn't believe in the zodiac and stuff but, it takes one to know one, and I do the very same: cover up my insecurities with humor and a false ego. But if he does get a confidence boost out of watching us simp and reading all of our fantasies starring him, then I'm glad we can make him a little bit happier💖

#wow i got soft #cant help it #im soft for our soft boy

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nad-zeta · 5 years ago

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Match up ^o^

May I request a Match up, please?

I’m at the part when I have to choose a route and I honestly don’t know/care. So I decided why not let some lovely internet stranger choose for me? Who do you think I would pair the best with?

I also noticed how much effort and detail you put into these so I decided that it was only fair to try to put in just as much effort in requesting. Or maybe I am just extremely vain so blabbering on this much about myself comes naturally (I also wouldn’t be too suprised if this were the case lol). Either way, I apologise for this getting so long. And without further ado, let’s learn about yours truly. Uh, yay?

I will start with my physical appearance because that’s easiest.

First of all, I am rather tall for a woman. Pair that with the fact that I constantly wear boots with 8 centimetre or greater heels and I almost always cap out somewhere above 182 centimetres (that’s 6 feet in American). So yes. I’m not exactly the approachable type, on the account of my height and near constant resting bitch face. I always look pissed off at something (and to be fair, I usually am).

I am a brunette with boring brown eyes. Nothing of note there.

I prefer to walk on my toes, for whatever reason. I also have great posture when I walk and these two factors always make it seem like I am floating. I’ve been told that I always seem very confident and self-assured. Which is complete bullshit because 90% of the time, I am winging it.

I am a dancer (of sorts. More on that later), so I am rather slim and toned. This is literally the only aspect of my physicality that I am actually confident in. The rest of me can burn in hell for all I care.

I am also very touch adverse. I hate the feeling of skin touching my skin it grosses me touch. However. There are a select few people in this world that I accept and enjoy hugs and cuddles from (and who I could snuggle with for hours). If I let anyone cuddle me that means I trust said person unconditionally and feel extremely comfortable around them. It’s essentially the ultimate statement of trust.

Onto personality.

If you can’t already tell, I have about as much dignity as a wet cat. I while I certainly do have an ego, it can be kind of difficult to bruise. Publically, I am absolutely shameless and don’t give two shits about what others think.

I have a tongue of steel and can rapid fire the most atrocious insults and comebacks when provoked. I’m known for my venomous sarcasm and biting wit among my own circles. I have a line for nearly every single situation so one-liners have become my thing. Which works out for me because I am a huge flirt.

I’ll flirt with pretty much anyone regardless of gender, I don’t give a crap. To clarify, it’s not because I am an attention whore (okay, yes. I am a complete attention whore), it’s because I am a theatre kid so excessive eye contact and sexual jokes are kinda where I thrive. I am also not afraid to get questionably lascivious with my flirting if someone tries to out-pace me. I never blush, I never falter, and I never let anyone know that they got the better of me. It shows weakness.

Despite my salacious façade, I am not inherently a sexual person. As a matter of fact, I am quite the opposite. I don’t experience sexual attraction (kudos to my asexual humans. I see you). This has rendered me practically immune to all charm, crushes, and sex appeal. It makes my life a lot easier, in my opinion. I don’t get too attached. I also enjoy messing around with the egos of fuck boys.

As mentioned earlier, I am an attention whore. I love showing off because I crave validation (this could point to some deep seated insecurities about myself that I refuse to acknowledge…. Ahem). Being on stage as where I thrive. And yes, I am a dancer, as I stated earlier. But I am not your conventional prissy ballerina. I am a circus performer. More specifically, I’m an aerialist. I have covered trapeze, contortion (I am unnaturally flexible), lyra, and silks. It’s a lot of fun almost dying every day and finding bruises in the most questionable places (if you cant already tell, I am an adrenaline junkie. I took karate for the first dozen or so years of my life and have recently been searching for more weapons combat classes because apparently I don’t have enough bruises already).

I am not easily impressed. And I don’t give out compliments very often. And that includes myself. I can be unnecessarily hard on myself at times… most of the time. But then again, who isn’t?

As for the side of me that isn’t stark-raving mad, I am usually a pretty objective person. While I have no qualms with discussing emotions (both mine and friend’s. I am a great listener and actually give pretty good advice when it comes to dealing with intense emotions). I tend to avoid letting them interfere with my logic. I look down on those who allow their emotions to dictate their actions. It makes them needlessly reckless.

I am typically a pretty chill person. When I am among people I am unfamiliar with, I tend to stay quiet and try not to rock the boat too much (again, I won’t hesitate to unleash a severe tongue lashing upon any poor soul who happens to rub me the wrong way… Or just happens to exist. I don’t take shit from other people and I hate it when others try to control me. (I don’t play rough, I play smart).

I really enjoy reading, writing, or drawing quietly. I can’t stand loud and excessive noises or people (parties, screaming, concerts). I am a true extroverted introvert. I love being the center of attention and chatting, but I need my alone time. People are exhausting to deal with.

Because of my aversion to loud sounds, I tend to avoid typical dance parties like the plague. While I am very good with mingling and partying in general, I can only keep it up in short bursts before I have to retreat somewhere quiet. This is also the reason I greatly prefer the nighttime (if I had a choice I would sleep all day and only frolick around at night. I just love the dark. It’s comforting in a weird way). I also love the night because that’s when I get to sleep and just peace out on life. It’s kinda like non-committal dying.

I am near constantly on hyper-alert so I am not easily startled. When I do get startled, I have a tendency to squeak, yelp or growl. These noses are purely reactionary sounds but for whatever reason, my friends think that they are absolutely adorable and will go to great lengths to startle me just to hear me make them.

To counteract my friend’s malevolence, I have learnt to be super observant, especially when I feel threatened. Usually, I am caught up on my own world and thoughts. I have an imagination so powerful that I can trick my brain into feeling false sensations such as an extra limb or falling. I much prefer to spend my time in my head rather than our boring reality. But if I feel threatened, or think that another attack is imminent, I instantly become hyper aware. These moments of lucidity enable me to make certain observations others would otherwise be overlooked (for example. I was able to tell when my professor lost her wedding ring due to the discoloration around her ring finger and the habitual and near-constant worrying she did at it. I offered to help her look after class ^.^. I admittedly felt kinda smug when I saw her surprise.) Ironically enough, I like to refer to this mode of thinking as “Sherlocking”. I can be quite the detective when I really try. 9 out of 10 times my friends will come to me when they suspect infidelity, I am pretty good at digging up dirt.

However, I have to make the conscious decision to do this, usually when I am trying to figure someone out or manipulate them into liking me. So this isn’t constant and usually I go about my day like everyone else, blissfully unaware of my surroundings.

Uhh, there is probably more I could cover but this is getting very long as-is and you are probably forcing yourself to get through my seemingly eternal ramblings. So I am going to stop here and go grab myself some food.

Best of luck to you,

-November

Hi there love!<3 you sound like such a cool interesting person! ^_^ Hehehe I probs took so long with this match up that you already chose a new route lol! Anyways thanx for waiting soooooo long for this and I hope ya enjoy it love ^0^ ^_^

I match you with……………………… Masamune

Honestly, it was between Masamune and Mitsuhide for me lol but i eventually decided to go with Masamune

The first time Masamune sees you, his eyes go wide in awe, like wow you are one tall fine lady! He has legit never met anyone so tall. After you were named as chatelaine, you stayed behind with some of the warlords to chat and get to know them better, you are after all going to be seeing their faces every day for the next 3 months.

Right of the bat, Masamune is howling in laughter at the fact that you are way taller than Ieyasu. You, Masamune and Mitsuhide basically tease the poor porcupine for a solid 20 minutes. “My my I never expected such a scary-looking little mouse to be so bubbly and friendly.”

Oooh, this boy just stared a war of wits. Today day was a good day cause your tongue of steel was rapidly firing witty words and sarcastic remarks at the resident kitsune. He almost couldn’t keep up, almost. Masamune was just standing there watching the whole scene unfold, you truly were going to be a lot of fun! Masamune decided to test out that tongue of steel of your and started firing some flirty pick-up line, while unbeknown to him you are the queen of one-liners, and have no shame when it comes lascivious flirting. Masamune, of course, never backs down from a challenge, and he was determined to make you blush. The conversation got so heated that it made even Hideyoshi blush on your behalf. You simply laughed and fired another one of your pick-up lines.

After the little chat in the hallway and a massive speech from mama bear for talking about things that were not PG13, cause of the kids *cough* Mitsunari *cough*, you and Masamune become quick friends. He had never met a woman before that was immune to his boyish wild charm, and handsome sexual appeal. Masamune was definitely popular with the woman, not as popular as Hideyoshi, but he was definitely a fuckboi. As surprised as he was, that his normal antics didn't work on you, his ego wasn’t dented one bit, it just made him more determined to get to know you.

Masamune definitely finds your flirtatious nature attractive, especially when you managed to score the two of you free sweet bun just by flirting with the shop owner, he was, even more, shook when the shop owner was a woman, your flirtation truly knows no bounds. The two of you would spend loads of time together, just going out for tea and sweets while getting to know each other. TBH although Masamune would never admit it, he found it refreshing that you weren't just his friend simply cause he was hot or cause you wanted to climb in stations but because you actually liked him as a person. You and Masamune definitely made an unstoppable team when it came to banquets. The two of you would team up and start teasing everyone there. When you two cuties are together its always a good time with loads of laughter and banter

Masamune discovered that you like him, was an adrenaline junkie. He loved that he finally had someone around that would do stupid shit with him just for the thrill of it. The two of you would go out on adventures 24/7 jumping down waterfalls and hiking up cliffs. The two of you goofball would also dare each other to do the craziest shit. Like one-time Masamune dared you to jump off the castle’s roof onto your balcony, and you freaken did it, no questions asked. Or like the one time you dared him to put his head in Shogetsu mouth, mind you the little cub was now grown into a full-blown tiger

One day you and Masa went to go watch one of Mitsuhide’s undercover performances. The three of you were investigating a shady daimyo in one of the nearby provinces. The three of you disguised yourselves as performers and joined a circus troop as their new dancers. You were so excited, the stage is where you truly come alive. You had promised Masa to show him something that would shock/surprise him after he gave you the grand tour of Azuchi. Today was the day, you had kept your dance and performances a secret from the two men, and now it was finally time to show them what you can do. You had 3 different performances planned. The first one was contortion. To say Masamune was shook would be an understatement he never knew anyone could be so freaken flexible, like wow. Your next performance was aerial dancing, his blue eye gleamed in delight, watching you move through the air so gracefully. If he wasn’t sure before he was sure now, this boy loved ya. But what really took his breath away was when you trapezed through the air, he was absolutely mesmerized at the way you flew through the air doing back-flips and other cool ass tricks. Masamune loved the look of pure joy on your face as you performed and after the show, you explained to him that you were a theatre kid back in the past. Mitsuhide definitely took note of your skills, and since that day you now accompanied him on most missions that required him to disguise himself as a performer.

Masamune loved everything about you at this point. Your overdramatic introvert/extrovert personality. The way you walked. Gosh, he loved the way you walked, it looked like you were an angel floating around wherever you went. He loved your banter and one-liner for every situation. And most of all he loved your hyper-alert side. Boy did he love to come up behind you to scare the crap outta you just so he could hear you squeak, yelp or growl. Like he lived for those adorably cute noises. And you somewhere along the line had fallen in love with the big idiot. He was always coming up with new fun adventures to go on or new fun things to do. He was one of those few people that could actually keep up with your banter

What was he most impressed with you may ask, well you Sherlocking skills of course. One day there were rumours of some super shady daimyos visiting Azuchi. Word on the street was that they were planning on stealing Mitsunari report to make the poor angel look bad. Mitsuhide was away sorting out some other plots and schemes, so it was now up to you to use your skills, to save the angel. You used your detective skill to gather evidence, and since your inner circle knew you were from the future, you were planning on catching them in the act and filming them for evidence. Masamune was always up for an adventure, so he acted as you own personal Watson. The two of you hid while watching the whole scene unfold, once they left the room the two of you came out. “What do you think they are going to do with the report lass,” he asked while his blue eye gleamed in delight. “Hmmmmm, I believe they are going to burn the evidence in the forest” you replied in your best British accent. Masamune couldn’t help but laugh. The two of you made your way to a secluded part of the forest and spotted them making a fire. Masamune looked at you curiously “How did you know they were going to be in this exact spot.” “Elementary, my dear Masamune.” He couldn’t help but burst out in laughter you really were a super fun kitten. Unfortunately for the two of you, they heard you guys laughing behind the trees and before you knew it, the two of you were surrounded. One of the men had a sword right at your throat ready to cut you open, that is when you shocked them by not backing down from the fight, you hit the sword away with one of your own gifted to you by your dearest one-eyed dragon. “ Point that sword at me one more time and i’ll slash your Achilles’ tendons, and TBH given the medicine situation of this time, no one would know how to fix your injury, so I hope you like hobbling around on one leg for the rest of your life cause that is what will happen.” These men were shook; meanwhile, Masa was next to you howling in laughter, “She’s not joking boys, this lass delivers on her threats.” You had never seen grown men run away from a fight so fast. You and Masamune picked up Mitsunari’s report that had fallen on the ground during the commotion and walked back hand in hand

You didn’t really like skin touching skin, but TBH you definitely like the warm feeling of Masamune’s hand warmed around yours. The two of you had come to fall in love with each other, and it wasn’t long before you two cuties entered into a relationship. Despite both of you being adrenaline junkies, both of you also loved your quiet times. Often you would sit together in his manor each doing your own thing. You would read and write, and Masamune would sit at his desk pretending to work (Cause admin is so freaken boring).

The two of you would have the best time together during banquets you loved being the centre of attention and would chat with everyone, but as the night would progress you would start feeling a bit drained and that’s when the one-eyed dragon would swoop in, pick you up and takes you to a quiet corner where the two of you cuddle and snuggle together.

He would spoil you rotten with the most amazing food, he would basically, cook anything your heart desires just to see that beautiful smile on your face. His heart would always burst with affection whenever he cuddles and kiss you, he knew that the fact that you allowed him to cuddle you was the ultimate statement of trust between the two of you.

Often the two of you cuties can be found causing mischief and giving Mamayoshi more grey hairs or cuddled together sharing stories of your day

Other potential matches............... Mitsuhide

Hope u enjoyed it dear @november-solarstorms

#ikesen masamune #masamune date #ikemen sengoku masamune #matchups #match ups #masamune matchup #ikesen matchup #submission

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back-and-totheleft · 4 years ago

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An epic memoir for an epic life

In a 1992 interview with Arthur Miller, Charlie Rose asked him what quality the great playwrights have shared in common, distinguishing them from the not so great ones in any given age?

After a pause to gather his thoughts, Miller replied that the “big ones share a fierce moral sensibility” and that “they are all burning with some anger at the way the world is.” “The littler ones,” Miller continues, “have made their peace with it. The bigger ones can’t make any peace.”

Oliver Stone is an artist whose work (his early work especially) is, as with Miller’s and all the “bigger ones”, suffused with the passion and fire of a man who refused to make peace with the world he both experienced and observed around him after serving two tours in Vietnam as an infantryman, prior to emerging determined to live life on his own terms or not at all.

The period covered in Chasing the Light runs from Stone’s his childhood and formative years all the way to the mountaintop that is Oscar night in 1987, when he picks up the Oscar for best director for Platoon, which also wins the award for best picture, editing, and score. In between we are taken on a journey of Sisyphean magnitude as he battles to overcome personal demons as a result of fraught-ridden teenage years in the midst of his parents’ divorce, which shatters any semblance of security and certainty he’d enjoyed as a child of relative privilege and affluence. Those demons were key in his decision to volunteer for Vietnam, which he does bent on either death or spiritual rebirth in this hell of his own choosing.

Greek mythology is a key theme in the book and in his life during this seminal period — in particular the epic character Odysseus (Ulysses in Latin), hero of Homer’s epic poem, the Odyssey, and also a key character in its prequel, the Iliad. Stone uses Odysseus as his inspiration in choosing to forego the safe and steady path of convention and instead embrace the wisdom enshrined in Nietzsche: “The secret of realizing the greatest fruitfulness and the greatest enjoyment of existence is: to live dangerously!”

Stone’s struggle to mount the ramparts of the fortress that is Hollywood would have broken the spirit of all but those in possession of the kind of adamantine tenacity and perseverance that takes you to the edge of madness. Reading of his struggles, his years of rejection, of climbing the ladder of hope only to be kicked off it again, you are reminded of the agony of Vincent Van Gogh, expressed in his letters to his brother Theo, or of Knut Hamsun in his classic semi-autobiographical novel Hunger, chronicling his early failed attempts to establish himself as a writer.

To wit: Hamsun: “I was conscious all the time that I was following mad whims without being able to do anything about it … . Despite my alienation from myself at that moment, and even though I was nothing but a battleground for invisible forces, I was aware of every detail of what was going on around me.”

Stone: “I drew hurt and perverse pride in being able to take rejection. Yet my wounded ego interfered with my ability to understand the reasons for these rejections….Beyond the paper world of rejection, there was also the in-person wound of being told no in face-to-face meetings — when they could be had — the hard-to-come-by lunches, the unreturned phone calls.”

In one the most powerful passages in the book, Stone garners renewed strength from visiting his beloved grandmother in Paris on her deathbed. Amid the flux and tumult of his parents’ split during his adolescent years, she had been both sanctuary and emotional anchor.

But then: Meme [grandmother] wanted me to go — quickly, before it was too late. I couldn’t hear but it was clear what the shades were saying: We, the dead, are telling you — your lifespan is short. Make of it everything you can. Before you’re one of us.

After many fits and starts, Stone’s breakthrough comes through his writing — first with Midnight Express, for which he wins the Oscar for best adapted screenplay in 1979, and then Scarface in 1983, a cult classic to this day. The writing in both movies crackles with a rare kinetic energy, jolting you out of your comfort zone with the unvarnished truth of the human condition in situations of extremis. If the famed and controversial Method system of acting has its parallel in screenwriting, Oliver Stone was perhaps its first and still most notable exemplar.

But despite his success as a writer, Stone’s calling is as a writer/director, with his fierce sense of how his words and vision should be captured on screen driving him on through setback after setback, until in 1985 with Salvador (released in 1986) his moment of truth arrives. The drama involved in getting it over the line more than parallels the drama captured onscreen.

At the time, Salvador’s impact on the conscience and consciousness of America when it came to the disjuncture that exists between the mythical depiction its role in the world as a force for good, and the grim truth of its litany of crimes in places that most Americans, trapped in a bubble of celebrity culture and a news information ghetto, don’t even know exist, can’t be underestimated. Salvador was crucial moment in my own political awareness, as someone who grew up in Scotland on a diet of American pop culture and Hollywood movies, becoming imbued in the process with the idea of America as the place to be, the place where you had to be if you wanted a shot at an exciting, meaningful and fulfilling existence.

When it comes to Platoon, there really is nothing more to say or write that hasn't already. It remains the Paths of Glory of our time, a withering riposte to the flag-waving, chest-beating, unthinking patriotism on the part of those whose belief in the myths of Americana personified by John Wayne and the heroes of Iwo Jima has trapped them in a prison of false consciousness. Platoon — not only a masterful movie in its own right in terms of its writing, acting, cinematography and brute authenticity — exploded in the midst of Reagan’s America as a subversive and delicious j’accuse, levelled at a status quo which two decades on from the social upheaval of the sixties, had sought to repackage and resell Vietnam to the American people as a noble if failed attempt to thwart a Communist drive for world domination in service to the God of democracy.

The movie’s depiction of the internecine struggle that rages within a combat platoon polarised along racial, class and cultural lines mirrored and still mirror the faultlines which continue to polarise American society today. In this respect, Platoon is as much social commentary as it is a dramatic piece, retaining its force and relevance thereby.

Throughout the book Stone writes with commendable candour about his fears and insecurities, his relationships, and also his lapse into Hollywood hedonism and drug use, which all serves to make him three dimensional and relatable in equal part.

Ultimately, in reading Chasing the Light, you are reminded of Theodor Adorno’s admonition that “Behind every work of art lies an uncommitted crime.” If Stone had not succeeded as an artist and his creative powers applied constructively, you come away from his story convinced that those powers would have found destructive expression, given what he experienced in Vietnam and his struggle to readjust thereafter. Given his remarkable body of work, we can only be thankful that the former rather than the latter prevailed.

-Jon Wight’s review of Chasing the Light, Medium, Aug 31 2020 [x]

#oliver stone #chasing the light #books #reviews #medium

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